#i think me and my GF might break up soon bc of the parents work and the sex thing but like.

[sunlightandsuffering]

The crazy Sacrilege fan here ! I LOVE THAT DRABBLE MIKASA IS SUCH AN UNHINGED FREAK I ADORE HER THANK YOU LYS THANK YOU !!! And Eren cares about her , « might even love her, just a little » LMFAO MR COP IS SO BUSTED !! If I may ask, how do you think they would react to a pregnancy scare ? I think crazy ass Mika might even like it, think it’s the Lord’s Will for them to be with child . Eren is head over heels for his little gf so he woudn’t mind giving her a child but he doesn’t want her to regret it later, she needs to go to college and start a career first!

AHAHAHA OMG ILY !!!! 💗💗 ur so funny lol!!! THEY'RE BOTH UNHINGED THO AND THAT'S WHAT WE LOVE THEM FOR, THE ABSOLUTE FUCKING CHAOS !!!!

omg okay, i can totally see this going like both ways, mostly bc I'm so anti religion bc of how much fucking shit it can create. So me, being a little shit, i'd love to go against the grain here and have Mikasa just be pRO CHOICE GIRLY !! Altho I do think she'd be like a little thrilled to have a child with Eren lol. LETS WRITE IT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!! bro tell me why they're so cute tho i like this drabble lol

Mikasa stares at the pregnancy test blankly, head knocked back against the bathroom cabinet of Eren’s apartment. Two little red lines to seal her fate, she should be thrilled.  

She isn’t. 

Contrary to her mother and every other girl in her church, Mikasa feels nothing but dread, cold, inescapable dread and suffocation. Because yes, a baby is cute, a baby is sweet, a baby would be the perfect embodiment of her and Eren’s love. They’d be the picture perfect happy family, the one people see on instagram, and she could be a stay at home mom and do all that ridiculous mom-fluencer stuff she sees.

The entire idea makes Mikasa want to throw up, and she’s not so sure it’s the pregnancy, because she isn’t that far along at all yet. 

She slumps, dropping the test to the floor beside her and blinking back stubborn tears, she wonders if this is God’s plan. Because surely, it must be? She wouldn’t be pregnant if it wasn’t His will. Hell, she’s already gone against the church by using birth control, condoms and the pill. 

So there’s really no other way she could have possibly gotten pregnant, right? Nothing else other than pure divine intervention would have allowed this. 

Mikasa sniffles meekly, a tear sleeping down her cheek despite her attempts not to cry and she wipes it away with her sleeve. Drawing her knees up to her chest, she crumples in on herself because what the fuck is she going to do? She’s not married, not yet at least, not in school yet –will probably have to drop out now actually– and her parents will most certainly withdraw what little support they were willing to provide her. She can hear it now, they’re going to call her sweet little baby a bastard, the church will gossip, her youth group will turn on her, and the pastor will look at her with eyes full of disgust at every turn. The tears flow faster now, slipping down her cheeks freely, and before she realizes it, she’s sobbing alone in Eren’s apartment bathroom, utterly alone. 

And there’s that too, isn’t there, how Eren will react. She doesn’t know, doesn’t want to lose him, but what if it’s too soon? Eren isn’t that old, only 24 and still working his way up in the force, he probably doesn’t want a baby yet either. 

He’s certainly never talked about it, and it has Mikasa tearing up all over again, because she’s going to lose him, and her parents again all at once. And she can’t lose him, she just can’t, she loves him. What had started as pure angsty rebellion had turned into love so quickly she doesn’t even know when it started. But he’s so supportive, hot, and so fucking good for her if she thinks about it, had told her just to fucking move in when her parents had gotten fussy over their break-up. He’d shrugged like it was no big deal, “Don’t worry about rent, Mika, just as long as you sleep in my bed.” Then, he’d left for work with a wink, and Mikasa for the first time in her life had real fucking independence, the very thing she’d been yearning for, begging for when he’d fucked her on that alter. 

And now here she is, about to lose it all again, her shackles renewed by the responsibility of a child and all the pressures that come with being a mom before she’s financially ready or responsible in the slightest. 

There is a click outside and Mikasa inhales sharply, glancing at her watch, because how long has she been in this bathroom moping? It’s 9:00 am on the dot, Eren is home, having just gotten off an overnight shift, and she can already hear him stomping around, seeking her out. “Mikasa,” He calls, and she slaps a hand over her mouth to keep quiet, for what she doesn’t know, he’ll find her eventually. “Baby where are you, I can see your shoes by the door, come out.” She doesn’t, fear paralyzes her, this agony of what to do, to tell him, not to tell him, to just run away and give it up for adoption, show up again in nine months and hope he doesn’t hate her. But Eren is a cop, surely he’d find her no matter where she went? And he does, just like he’d find her if she ran away, sweeping the apartment methodically before coming to the bathroom door, just off his bedroom. 

He knocks, “Miki, what are you doing?” She doesn’t answer, just grabs the pregnancy test, holds it closer as the two positive red lines blur together, tears flowing freely again. It takes Eren one attempt, one fucking shot to jimmy the lock open, and he’s leaning against the door frame like an avenging angel as he looks her over. He’s terrifying, clad in his police uniform, black cargo pants with so many pockets and that tight long sleeve shirt that goes under his body armour. 

He quirks a brow up at her as he notices her tears, eyes scanning her over, and she can pinpoint the exact moment he notices the pregnancy test, his teeth coming down to bite into his lip, his only nervous tic. “So,” He asks casually, “Pregnant?” She nods meekly, a sob working its way up her throat, all she can think to do is apologize, because obviously it’s her fault, “I’m so sorry Eren.” 

She should have never slept with him, never disobeyed God like this, it’s her punishment, and she just spirals, ugly crying in her boyfriend’s bathroom at 8 am on a wednesday. “Oh Miki no, it takes two, okay,” Eren half laughs as he kneels down next to her, tucking a strand of hair out of her eyes. He wipes the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs, cupping her face with more love and affection than she’s ever known in her life, “It was definitely more me if I recall correctly, in the back of my squad car, in the kitchen,” He smirks, looking down at her, “Yesterday morning in the shower.” Mikasa smacks him for that, choking out a laugh, “Stop it, I’m sad right now.” Eren chuckles, sitting down next to her and grabbing her hand with the pregnancy test to look at it himself. “You don’t have to be sad Miki, it doesn’t have to be a big thing you know.” 

She leans into him, her head on his shoulder as she thinks about it, “Eren I’m gonna get huge and fat, it’s definitely gonna be a thing and people are definitely going to notice.” He bumps her with his shoulder lightly, “Nah you’d be cute pregnant, and fuck,” He groans as if he’s thinking about it, “Your tits would definitely get even better.” Mikasa gasps, smacking his arm again, and before she can stop him he’s going in for a squeeze that has her yelping because yeah, she’s already a little more sensitive. He smirks, more smug than he has any right to be in this situation, ten minutes ago she was crying her eyes out. 

“So does this mean you want it, then, that you’ll support me?” Mikasa asks hopefully and Eren squeezes her thigh, looking down at her with more intensity than she knew him capable of, “Mikasa of course I’ll support you in whatever you decide to do, this would be my kid too.” He pauses and Mikasa waits, looking up at him earnestly, ready to accept whatever else he has to say, because he’s Eren and he so obviously loves her. “I know it’s a little taboo in the church community, but have you thought about getting an abortion?” Mikasa cracks, heaving out a great sob, and before she knows it she’s in Eren’s lap with him shushing her as she whispers all her fears into his neck, “You don’t want it, you’re lying you just- you just want to appease me and –” “Mikasa,” Eren kisses his way up her neck, voice right at her ear, “I’m not lying, but look at me.” He cups her chin roughly, tilting her head up so she’s forced to look into those pretty green eyes, “Baby you’re in school, you haven’t even started yet, and I’ve heard you, fuck baby I’ve heard you talk about school so many times and how much you want to be a nurse.” He leans down, so their foreheads touch, and he leans into her, “And as much as I’d love to see you pregnant, how fucking pretty you’d be, cute as hell waddling around my house knocked up with my fucking kid, it would also suck a lot because I know Mikasa that you’d be miserable, would be delaying your dreams for several years at the very fucking least and I could never ask you to do that.” Mikasa inhales shakily, relaxing into him now, the hand on her thigh, the other at the nape of her neck, how warm and solid he is against her, Eren. 

She tilts her head up for a kiss, something soft, chaste, comfort. 

He kisses her softly, all gentle affection, his hand rubbing over her thigh to keep her calm and when she pulls back she’s calmer, more stable in his arms. 

“Is it allowed?” She whispers, almost nervously, afraid she’ll be shot down by the universe at the mere suggestion. Eren laughs, his hand drifting up to her hip to tug her closer in his lap, “Of course it’s allowed Mikasa, no one has to know we have free health care you know, we’ll just you know, schedule you an appointment, I don’t think it’s that hard.” “Really?” she mumbles, “Just like that?” “I think so, I mean obviously I haven’t had one, but I don’t think it’ll be that difficult, we can call in a minute.”

“Okay,” she mumbles and Eren kisses her again, nipping her cheek as he demands her attention, “But I want to know you’re doing it for you, not because of me or anything else, this has to be your decision Mikasa and I’m just along for the ride.” She sighs, “I think you’re right, I just didn’t want to be the one to say it, but before you got here all I could think about was how much it was going to fuck up my life.” Eren gasps, and she looks up, suddenly afraid, does he think she’s disgusting, a worthless human being because of it? His eyes are alight with amusement, “You swore, what a naughty little church girl you are.” 

She smacks him and violently, which has him cackling, and he uses his leverage to go in for another kiss, which she accepts gratefully. “As long as it’s your decision Mikasa, I don’t care, hell I kind of agree, I’m not sure if I’d be a great dad right now, I’m too selfish. I wanna keep you to myself for as long as I can.” Mikasa laughs, “Then maybe we’d better start using better protection.” “Yeah, we’re also scheduling you for an IUD appointment, because fuck are you bad at taking those pills.” She winces, “I took it this morning.” Eren looks at her in disbelief, “Miki you’re already pregnant.” “Well, I tried not to be,” She tells him poutily and Eren pinches her waist, “You did a shit job.” “We just agreed it was your fault!” 

Eren smiles deviously, “Yeah it is, and it’s about to be my fault again.” 

He yanks her down against him, a devilish gleam in his eyes, and she can feel his very obvious erection right against the soft of her cunt, separated only by the thin layer of her pyjama pants. 

“Have you been hard the entire time?” “I’m not a monster, just since you swore, it just does things to me, it’s not my fault, really it’s yours.” “Oh my God,” Mikasa groans, and she can feel Eren below her, grinding her down against his cock, that guilty look on his face, “Holy fuck does it turn you on when I’m like bad?” “Is that blasphemous of me?” 

“God yes,” She tells him and then she’s kissing him, because no one else but Eren Yeager has ever made being bad feel so good.

[tinyyoungblood]

hi!! adore your work love. could you maybe do smth where stark!reader has to get her wisdom teeth out but HATES the dentist so she brings her boyf peter and her dad w her?? and then when they get home the avengers are all waiting with like comical amounts of flowers and stuffed animals and then reader says some funny shiii and thor thinks she’s like dying lol. idk if that made sense but i’m getting my wisdom teeth out soon and i’m scared😭 thank u so so much love u babe

pairing: peter parker x stark!reader

a/n: tysm lovely :,) i rushed through this like my life depended on it, but i hope i’m not too late. either way, i hope you’re okay! it’s frightening but those bad boys gotta go because we don’t need that kind of energy in our lives. enjoy x

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

wisdom teeth? more like wisdoom

y/n has to get her wisdom teeth removed and it’s the singular most dreadful thing she’s ever had to do, which says a lot because her dad is tony richling stark

doing dreadful things she doesn’t want to do but still somehow end up doing just because she can is a personality trait at this point

no one really makes a big deal out of it since ~death~ is part of their job description, but y/n is terrified

and when a stark is terrified the only thing that will keep them one step from insanity is researching the hell out of it

that information will be info dumped into every conversation for the next few weeks leading up to the appointment

“y/n you need anything from the store?” "no thanks, did you know the side effects of getting your wisdom teeth out include ✨sudden death or blood clots✨ tho” “……..i have a coupon?”

the day of the appointment, peter comes along and literally doesn’t let go of y/n’s hand. he keeps touching her to let her know that he’s there and it’s so. adorable

he would rest his hand on her knee, gently stroke her back while holding her, or just play with her hair

happy drops them off and he’s too Cool™ for emotions but he knows y/n’s a wreck, so he just fist bumps her with a single nod and she almost breaks down bc it’s really affectionate

y/n is sitting in the dentist chair and genuinely nothing is happening yet, but she’s squeezing peter’s hand like it’s a sponge

peter might have a high pain tolerance but he’s in pain pain and he prays that his hand won’t just explode on him

the dentist notices how peter tries to keep it together and chuckles

“you okay there, son?” “yea it’s fine, had a better time when a building fell on me tho haha” “pardon?” “oh i mean i didn’t have a good time, i just had a better time”

because y/n is running Anxious Town™, the dentist gives her a sedative to help her relax 

plus, an injection of local anaesthetic to numb the tooth and surrounding area

she doesn’t feel anything and it’s GREAT

the procedure is quicker than expected and now the real fun begins

she tries to walk but she falls down so peter scoops her up bridal style and happy stays glued at her side

y/n doesn’t mind although she literally doesn’t recognise them and they’re practically strangers to her

but girly sees an opportunity and tries to flirt with peter bc why wouldn’t she

“you’re pretty” *blushes* “why thanks” “you should let your girlfriend know” “i should let her know i’m pretty?” “so you do have a gf? :(” “yea it’s you” “:)”

they stop for gas and peter goes in to get some water for y/n, and in her infinite wisdom, she decides it’s burger time

her mouth is completely numb and she’s practically leaving a trail of drool behind her, but she’d kill for a burger right now

so she wobbles around aimlessly for an hour on some random parking lot as if the ground might just magically open up like a rabbit hole and lead her to five guys

she’s going places. not back to the car. definitely not five guys. they’re closed. but places

peter finally finds her and he’s drenched from head to toe in sweat. he doEsn’T wAnt tO tALk abOut iT tho so she lets him take her to subway instead

normally, she would know that peter’s usual subway order is bread-lettuce-jalapeño

but in her drugged-up state, it had simply slipped her mind so now she’s staring at him like he’d just murdered someone right in front of her

“that- that’s your order?? no meat or anything just bread, lettuce, and a little spice?”

meanwhile at the compound, sam and steve are ordering everyone around bc they want to decorate this place before y/n gets home to surprise her

they take it very seriously too. they’ve watched like one HGTV show and said it’s our time

they finally get home and tony gives y/n a big hug, asking her what took so long

happy tells him that she was keen on getting burgers bc apparently someone has taught her that stressful times call for ~cheeseburgers~

he proceeds to look at tony with a pointed look

tony just shrugs and goes “she was a problem child. we don’t mention her dark past”

she’s swaying on the spot and keeps grinning like a fool and thor just stares at her weirdly before elbowing bruce and whispering loudly,

“what’s wrong with her? is she dying? should i start collecting leaves, i know this remedy—"

no one can tell if y/n is just happy to see the newly decorated home or if she’s just delighted to see everyone but then she goes around hugging the entire team

she doesn’t even acknowledge the sky-high pile of teddy bears and flowers everywhere bc she’s just squeezing everybody

y/n is so high, she just starts to spill all of her feelings about everyone and they’re already so overwhelmed by the hug chain they can’t take this too

“wanda i just want you to know that you’re like my big sister and you’re always taking care of me and i know you and vision are just going to make such good parents one day”

“bucky you absolute PRICK, you FIEND, you’re the best chess player ever and that’ll never change and i wouldn’t be good without you, i hate to say it but you deserve happiness even after you made me lose five times in a row yesterday”

“dad, you’re so strong and smart, even though we’re like never on the same page, you’re always along for the ride, i want to be like you when i grow up, i swear i’m gonna try to be as good to the avengers as you were to us” “aww- wait makes you think i'll be the first to die“

“nat you’re such a bitch about your protein shakes but you’re my best friend and i wouldn’t have it any other way, you can try out as many make up looks on me as you want”

“bruce, brucey, i would live with you in your lab for the rest of my days if i had to, whenever you ask me to hand you stuff i feel useful and important”

“laura’s way out of your league clint i have no idea how the fuck you got her but don’t lose her and i want to be your next child’s godmother”

“steve…we’re your family now. we’re always gonna be your family now. okay?”

“loki you’re not fooling anyone with your attitude, we all know you’re part of the family, you were just misunderstood and messed up bc of your dad–FUCK him by the way–but i realised everyone deserves as many chances as they need because of you”

“sam i would genuinely kill anyone who wronged you, even if they cut you in line at the grocery store, i would knife them no hesitation”

“thor, you poor golden retriever have been through so much, on my way here i made a wish on an eyelash for you bc you deserve better, your postcards always make my day, love you”

she mumbles something to peter that no one else can hear but he blushes and chokes back a sob

y/n orders hot soup and bucky brings it to her but before he even has time to react peter drops everything and ZOOMS across the room in .3 seconds

he barrels into bucky so hard they both go flying, but peter just smoothly rolls out of it and onto his feet like some kind of super ninja

“DUDE WHAT THE HELL” “😠 y/n is not supposed to drink hot liquids 😠”

all of this happens in mere seconds but sam has filmed it all and now slow mo clips go viral online of some mysterious kid knocking over the winter soldier

y/n’s a little in and out after that, but when she fully regains consciousness, she’s on a pile of blankets, surrounded by the team on the floor <3

* * *

let me know if this is actually comforting lmao stay hydrated pals

hc masterlist

[ofkareenas]

.  ∘ ∗   :   🐝   𝙸𝙽𝙲𝙾𝙼𝙸𝙽𝙶   …

JANHVI KAPOOR, CIS WOMAN, TWENTY-FIVE, SHE / HER  ⟨  ✽  ⟩   hey, you haven’t bumped into  kareena puri  lately, have you? they have been living here for the past  two years  and during that time, locals have gotten to know them as  charismatic  &  creative.  a little birdie told me they can be quite  stubborn  &  opinionated  though. explains why they’re an online fashion brand owner and designer .  they really remind me of  morning beach walks, sketchbooks filled with new designs, the sound of a sewing machine running.  if you’re ever looking for them, i bet you can find them around port briar lighthouse.

hi again, it’s tally ! this is my second baby kareena !! she’s very new to me and it’s pretty exciting bc i tend to just recycle characters kjhfgkj again, if you’d like to plot, please reach out to me on dms, or you can like this and i’ll reach out. you can also talk to me on discord if you’d prefer that. ( gowon face insurance company#8416 ) also pls excuse how messy this is, i havent written a proper full intro in a while.

.  ∘ ∗   :   🐝   𝙱𝙸𝙾𝙶𝚁𝙰𝙿𝙷𝚈   …

kareena puri

march 30th, 1996 - 25 yrs old ; aries

cis woman, she/her, bisexual (closeted to her family, not so much to anyone else)

born in mumbai, india. raised in seattle, washington.

currently residing in port briar, maine

pinterest board: here

TW / CW: none, other than a controlling family, which idk if it even should be tagged but yuh

kareena knew it, she was lucky compared to others. she had it better than some of her peers, and she recognized that privilege. but if she could trade her family life for a “normal” one, she would in the quick snap of a finger.

kareena’s family was pretty much old money. she came from a long line of doctors in almost every medical field, and they own so many private hospitals and clinics in many countries. if you happen to hear the Puri family name, you probably would associate it with these things: a big hospital that you probably drove by with your car or a surgeon that your doctor wanted to refer you to.

every child in the family was expected to go to med school. it was the only way to keep the family legacy and pride going. of course, the more new generations came in the family, the more there were those who decided to take different fields of work instead. and of course, the eldest members in the family would always voice their disappointment in them, and would always make sure to remind them that they’re a disgrace no matter how successful they are in whatever field they went into.

kareena didn’t know what she was doing at the young age of sixteen. her parents would boast about how she would be a successful doctor when she grows up, just like her older siblings, and how her younger siblings would be the same as well. all kareena did was nod and smile. she didn’t want this.

the thing is, she was a naturally great student with really good grades, and yet her parents would be disappointed if she got a B+ or even an A- on a subject every once in a while. she didn’t get it. she thought she was doing her best. although the complaining about her report cards was getting a bit too much coming from her mother, and that’s when kareena really started to not give a fuck. yes, she still got good grades for her own sake, but she started to do whatever she wanted. she hung out with kids her parents would call a bad influence, and started to skip some school days or go to parties on the weekends. it was fun and liberating to her.

once her senior year was over and kareena was graduated with a high school diploma, her family was back at it again, trying to get her to apply to all the notable medical schools out there. she had protested about it, and family fights ensued, and with some threats, kareena was forced into applying. next school year, she was in another city, studying to be a surgeon, and her mind wasn’t into it at all. she only lasted one year before she decided to drop out and transfer to FIDM, a fashion school in L.A, instead.

kareena has always been into fashion. the way she dressed would tell you so. how she was always on the latest fashion, and how she would have so many sketchbooks and scrapbooks of fashion related things. she loved making her own clothes at home with her sewing machine. her mother would tell her that it’s a nice hobby, but she never guessed that her daughter would want to pursue it as a career. the color drained out of her face when she saw what kareena had done. she was angry and disappointed, and mostly worried about what the rest of the family would say, more than she cared about her daughter’s wants and needs. kareena, however, didn’t care. she was happy. she moved out to be closer to campus, and soon enough after graduation, she left everything behind and decided to go somewhere quieter: port briar, maine. this was completely different from everything she was used to, it was so quiet and small, but she loved it. she finally feels at peace with herself.

now, kareena is a successful fashion designer. she started an online business, and it has been booming, with fashion influencers promoting her work. she was hoping that someday she would get to do bigger things, like making custom items for celebrities and being featured in fashion magazines and fashion weeks. she could only wish and work towards that for now.

and even with all of that, even when kareena had picked herself up from the ground on her own and built her own business, her family still didn’t approve. they still pretended to care about her, but would make sure to remind her of how disappointed they are in her and the path she’d taken. they would sit and wonder what it would’ve been like if she continued to go to med school, and how successful she could’ve been. and all kareena would do in response is smile and say that she’s successful anyway, but at least now she’s doing something she actually loves.

.  ∘ ∗   :   🐝   𝙷𝙴𝙰𝙳𝙲𝙰𝙽𝙾𝙽𝚂   …

born in mumbai, india. moved to seattle, washington when she was still a baby, and was raised there for the rest of her life, all while still visiting family back home.

kareena is the middle child of 5 siblings. two older brothers and two younger sisters

she is bisexual, and she’s pretty open about it. except to her family. shes not out to them

she believes in working hard, but she also believes that everyone deserves to have fun and get a break every once in a while. she currently is the only main person doing all the work for her business, but she’s hoping to soon hire anyone who has the same interests as her

her designs are mostly evening wear dresses and such. think teuta matoshi or marionela type of dresses, all flowy and puffy, giving fantasy feels

altho i would say her success is more like early hope macaulay, when she was still starting out. if no one is familiar with her, she is an irish fashion and textile designer who got famous for her knit wear on instagram, and she’s p young !! u might recognize her work if u look her up <3

she currently lives alone port briar, with her rented home facing the beach. exactly how she likes it. it was different and definitely not lavish like her home growing up, but she liked it better. she could’ve lived somewhere more expensive, but she didn’t want that.

owns a studio where she usually works. there is more space for her there than what she used to have at home. all the design process, sewing and even photoshoots take place there usually

if not working, kareena could be found at the rocky beaches near the port’s lighthouse or off somewhere on an adventure. she is always here to have a good time

honestly kareena is still such a new character for me, so if i think of any other hcs, i’ll add them here

.  ∘ ∗   :   🐝   𝙲𝙾𝙽𝙽𝙴𝙲𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽𝚂   …

friends from school, could be from seattle or L.A: kareena would’ve kept in contact with those friends tbh shes the type of person to keep her friends around. even if they were just added to her snapchat or followed on instagram. she would keep up with them

toxic relationship / gf: THIS

exes ?? we could definitely plot this out

high school ex perhaps 👀

FWB: no strings attached 

neighbors: she lives on sea sprite lane

family members? kareena would be hoping that left them all behind in the past, but it can’t be denied that she has a big family and she could possibly run into any of them at any moment

omg crush perhaps ! idm if it’s one sided, and it could either be kareena having feelings or the other person

a friend she had a falling out with: she probably met this person two years ago when she first moved here. something might’ve happened and one thing after another, they dropped each other and it was probably the worst falling out for both of them

clients / customers for her business perhaps. or maybe a helping hand!! 

literally anything u wanna do, lets gooo

[one-abuse-survivor]

before i start, thank you so much for doing what you do;this blog has given me good advice countless times and i really have to thank you for that.

my issues with my parents are that they don't take me seriously. i can literally go up to them and say: "mom/dad, i think i might be autistic or have ADHD (both would be quite likely) can i get that checked out" and list a bunch of examples why i think that and they'll just be "nah, that can't be, you don't seem like that at all" as of i didn't break my mind over it researching it and talking to people who have it to see if we've had similar experiences just to get some kind of reference as to why i feel the way i feel and why i struggle so much with things that so many other people find so easy.

but then, in the following weeks and months (after talking w them) they just randomly point out things about me that kinda annoy them, like me talking out of turn a LOT or me not looking at people or me having trouble focusing if there isn't also music and a movie going at the same time or mom saying that i seem hyperactive to her because i'm always moving my legs or pacing around or rubbing my hands or drumming on the table with pens. things like that (plus a lot more) were the exact things i was telling them about and they just put it off like it's nothing but as soon as it affects and annoys them it's suddenly very real. at this point i'm struggling to talk to my parents about anything even remotely more serious than generic smalltalk and i'm having a hard time believing myself that my struggles are in fact real and i'm not just making them up.

and also on a less related note; the thing i hate most about my parents: if i'm wearing headphones and couldn't understand what a parent was yelling from somewhere else in the house then it's my fault. but if it's the exact same situation but i'm the one calling and they couldn't hear me, then it's obviously my fault too (i kinda get the first one but srsly how could i not wear headphones when they're constantly arguing with my brother in the room next to mine) (either way if one of the scenarios is clearly my fault, then the other shld be clearly their fault bc that's how logic works)

hhhh, this got quite long. i would love to hear your thoughts about this

a continuation from the other ask about my parents not taking me seriously even when i ask them for help with my hardest problems. that ask didn't really go in the direction i had planned but there is so much going on between my parents and me that i really need to talk to someone about

background: i'm around 15-16 rn and have a brother who's 18. primary school was academically very easy for me (lots and lots of great and even perfect grades) but my brother didn't have it as easy (lots and lots of mediocre and meh grades) so my parents really just kinda let me do my thing while they were constantly busy with my brother. so i got really independant and did all of my stuff on my own bc a) i always had done it that way and b) my parents were already busy and stressed. but after my brother got his first computer and got into video games his grades dropped and my parents started constantly arguing with him and taking away his computer and stuff like that so there was always a lot of tension (and i got to a point where i can't handle people yelling; that's what i was referring to with the headphone thingy at the end of the last ask) i don't know if i can go that far and say that my parents kinda neglected me and my emotional needs in favour of saving my brother grades but that's pretty much the way it feels.

i'm now a sophomore (school works a bit different here but i'm the equivalent of a highschool sophomore afaik, here it's just 10th grade) and starting from about mid 8th grade (end of 2018) i've been struggling a lot with self care and upkeep of my already minimal social circle and academic stuff (i'm at the academically highest level of school you could be at my age without skipping any years) and also mental health.

i got quite depressive and started isolating myself and casting away friends and my grades went down a lot, which really disappointed me because my great grades were kind of my trademark thing. but i didn't feel safe talking to my parents because of the huge distance that we built by me "never" needing their help with stuff.

in that time (almost a year ago, our anniversary is in twenty days or so) i got a girlfriend and i'm hella glad that i can talk to her about everything but i feel like i can't just go dump trauma and parent issues on her forever

about last november or so i was at a pretty low point and was suicidal and that's kind of when i snapped and went to my parents to talk so being cast away and having my issues invalidated really really hurt then and made me spiral even deeper and my gf was the only thing keeping me afloat.

i'm kind of a bit better now but i have rebuilt my view of my parents from "idk we never really interact" to "trying to interact or talk is not worth the energy" and needless to say i don't like them that much

oh and i forgot about all the times i got panic attacks and sensory overloads @ school because there are so many people there (1700 students + 200 teachers) and it's loud everywhere and of course asking my parents for what to do if suddenly everything is too bright and too loud and you can't move or talk because of it didn't get me anywhere (and since i didn't know what it was called or how to describe it properly, i didn't really find any Information online either

and just typing this makes me think of so many more things that they did that aren't okay things to do (a lot of gender identity stuff for example because i'm also neck-deep in that) . but writing this has also helped a lot right now. thank you for being there and listening.

and just in case i'm ever gonna pop back in to say something i'm gonna drop a name for easier identifying

sincerely - 🌌 milky way anon

Hi, nonnie! Thanks for the kind words, I'm really glad my blog has been of help ❤️

I'm sorry your parents are making it hard to believe your struggles are real :( you deserve to be taken seriously and to get access to all the help you might need. Just the fact your symptoms are there and you're noticing them and they're interfering with your daily life is enough to get them checked, regardless of if you need a diagnosis/meds/anything else. No one deserves to live wondering if their struggles are worth discussing with a doctor or professional.

And you're right: if one of those things was your fault, then the other should be theirs, logically. But I don't even think it's "your fault" you didn't hear them because you were wearing headphones, to be honest. I think it's just something that happens from time to time and that doesn't warrant getting mad over; I think it's the kind of thing that simply needs to be talked about so everyone in the household knows how to communicate with everyone else without getting frustrated. It's as easy as saying "hey, whenever I put on headphones I'll just text the family group chat to let you guys know I won't hear you. If you need anything in those moments, just text me instead". I do this with my girlfriend sometimes—if we're wearing headphones and we're in the same room, we simply pat each other when we need something and wait until the other takes off their headphones to talk. It really doesn't have to be an issue where anyone is to blame. You're allowed to take steps to feel safe and comfortable in your house without getting punished for it.

But, of course, this doesn't work if the people around you choose to prioritise "being right" and proving you're wrong over a peaceful and healthy cohabitation, which is what most toxic and abusive people do.

As for your second ask, I would say if it feels like your parents neglected you and your needs because they were always focusing on your brother, then it's okay to say that they did. The fact alone that those feelings are there makes you deserving of talking about it and wanting to heal from it; the cause of those feelings doesn't have to be something major, or sound deeply traumatising when you say it out loud, in order to "count". And people whose emotional needs were consistently met don't feel like they weren't.

I've already shared this video before, but if you want some resources on identifying and healing from emotional neglect, I really recommend watching it. Please bear in mind, though, that the video says it's important to not blame parents for emotionally neglecting you, but I don't think that's the message a lot of people need to hear and I think you should allow yourself to feel angry at your parents for not meeting your needs and causing you trauma. That's pretty much the only thing I'd criticise about the video.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your grades and mental health lately, nonnie. I had a quite similar experience when I was in high school—I used to always get great grades, but my mental health and trauma put a lot of strain on them (as well as on my social life; I lost a lot of friends in those years) and it was really distressing to see the only thing that made me "worthy" crumble between my fingers like that. I'm still trying to unlearn this idea that your grades define your worth, and it's been really hard.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for you when you hit that low 😔 I'm glad your girlfriend could help you stay afloat in that moment, but they absolutely should've been there for you all those times you reached out to them for help with your struggles, and the fact that they didn't is emotionally neglectful of them.

I'm glad you're in a better place now ❤️ I really hope you can find out all the information you need on gender identity and sensory overload and any other issues that might be affecting you. Know that you deserve for your parents to be there for you. You shouldn't have to face any of this on your own, or even with only the support of other people your age. You deserve for them to care. You deserve to have your symptoms checked out. You deserve adult guidance to find resources to help you better understand and manage your struggles.

Sending all my virtual support your way ❤️ and happy belated anniversary to you and your girlfriend!

[malepresentingleg]

is it 2013 again? cause i have a rant about teen wolf coming and i feel 16 y/o.

so due to dome heavy procrastination I've consumed a lot of teen wolf content, i skipped a bunch of episodes and a lot of scenes in the ones i haven't but i still have some Thoughts TM

it's good??? i had a Good Time watching, it was funny but intense and dark and i felt Feelings watching, some of the plotlines were meh (or maybe i just skipped them heh) but a lot were interesting and i loved the characters and their interaction

scott. my sweetheart. my baby. such a cutiepie, such a great protagonist 10/10 i love him and would die for him. he's so pure and cute and his little smile melts my heart. i love how he's fundamentally Human no matter how non human he is. he's a great character all around and i kinda wish they didn't do that shit to him at the end (imma get there) or treated him like he ISN'T the protagonist for such big parts of the shows

people KNOW. Stiles knows from day one, allison finds out soon, his mom finds out in season 2! the sheriff in 3, and they just become part of the gang and can help them with stuff bc they UNDERSTAND. shows like that get really tiring when the teens constantly lie to everyone around them and it was very refreshing. the running gag with the coach ruining things tho was funny and I'm ok with it.

Ok this is mellisa appreciation time. she's SUCH a great, complex and unusual mom-of-hero character. i absolutely love her and her attitude, i love how she's not simply being used as a tool to cause scott pain (just.. sometimes) and their relationship is parenting goals.

also isn't it fucking hilarious how she's a nurse but she just knows everything medical. she's also a surgeon and a mortician and a doctor. ik it's for plot reasons but it funny af.

in general women on the show.. had a lot of potential, i love them, but i hate how they were treated.

allison was all around great imo, her and scott's relationship was built very well and was two sided from the start (unlike... yeah), she has emotions, she's smart and brave, but also human and scared, she kicks ass and, again, exists outside of Scott's GF status (mostly). andddd they killed her. idk if the actress had to/wanted to leave or it was a pure writers decision bc they needed to keep just her father or something, but that would have been ok if not for all the other things

we have 3 main kickass ladies with powers- lydia, kira and malia. lydia spent close to FIVE whole seasons not knowing anything about her abilities/not knowing how to control them. cmon, it gets old. scott masters his powers after a season or two (and had control a lot sooner), parrish finds out what he is like half a season after it becomes relevant etc.

malia- do i need to explain? she was CONSTANTLY struggling controlling her abilities, no matter how badass she supposedly was. and kira oh boy, they did her dirty, didn't they?

kira was such a cute adorable character. i loved her and her little crush on scott and wanting to make friends and being freaked out about relationships, i love her discovering her past and heritage and learning to fight and gaining control and becoming a badass. but. what? they just undid all this? oh no the fox is taking over she has no control no agency of her own she needs to disappear for years now bye :( again, idk if the actress needed to leave but it was so unsatisfying and was insulting to the character. she wasn't even mentioned later a bunch like allison was, just they needed her mom for a plot tool and didn't even acknowledge it was her sword they were breaking. uhm rude?

LET WOMEN HAVE POWERS AND BE AWESOME WITH THEM. and not just minor/bad characters thanks.

i love the concept of a pack on the show and how you don't have to be a werewolf to be a part of it, how scott becomes a true alpha and how he cares about his friends. i kinda feel like in later seasons him being an alpha was more talk than show which like /: meh. like i said, he stopped BEING the main character, just talked about as if he was.

i love how friendship is valued, but i think it could be more.. i mean the scene in the motel, all season 3b, scott and lydia, all the girls with each other.. i love it. too many times tho it "wasn't enough" and only romantic love worked which SUCKS. in 6a i was so happy scott went in to try and remember stiles and the memories hit me right in the heart. then when it "wasn't enough" i was SO pissed and frustrated goddammit. i guess that leads me to the next point-

ships, should i talk about ships? i don't want hate in my asks but oh well it's been a few years maybe there's no fandom to care. I'll start with the end

malia and scott. what. the. fuck. when, out of fucking no where, they had like a lingering look or something i was just "nope. no thanks". and then every scene they had together i had to cover my eyes bc it felt so wrong and bad and awkward. jesus. no build up at ALL, they're like family, i just. ew. no. it felt way too much like "oh we gotta pair off the leftovers" or "the main character can't end up single" well guess what, he fucking can. it was. god. i can't even explain the disgust. when he needed to heal and all she had to do was kiss him ugh. it felt so fake and empty of meaning. i would 100% prefer for it to be stiles (I'll get there) or his mom who snapped him out of it.

melissa and chris, i could get aboard with that. def cute, def weird af since his dead daughter was dating her son but, well.

stiles and lydia is a ship i have conflicting feelings about. i absolutely hate the concept of "the nerd" is in love with the popular girl since freshman year and he's borderline being a creep ("oh but it's stiles! he's a dork and he's harmless" no.), completely obsessed with her and she ignores him but then they end up getting together.. i mean, it sends a bad msg to obsessed boys about how it's worth it in the end, and it makes the whole relationship feel unbalanced from the start, makes her reciprocation feel unatural. BUT, i have to admit the show did kinda make me warm up to this ship by the end, curse them. it was kinda cute. i wish there was more mutualness before it became such an important part in 6a tho.

just gonna put it out there: malia/kira and lydia/allison. i wish we saw more girl on girl interactions in general but the ones we had were very good, great dynamics.

i won't get too much into it but i.. i don't ship st*rek. i understand why they're the biggest ship (two white hot boys that interact with each other, i mean.), and i see the couple of fan service-y moments the show throws at us but just. they don't have my heart, i don't really care about them. not the characters, the characters i absolutely love! (tho this watch i skipped most of season 1 and 2 and 3a and i think that's where derek is the most asshole.. didn't he do really bad things? idr) idk if you want a bad character on the way to redemption with someone you should ship liam and theo who had way better shippy chemistry imo, even tho their ship probably wouldn't be healthy given their dynamic history, huh.

the ship that does owns my heart? scilies. I'm a softy when it comes to best friends to lovers, and their bond and relationship is just. so. pure. don't get me wrong, i love me a good platonic relationship, but there was just one to many homoerotic interactions between them for me not to ship it, hard. (not to be that person but my guess is that if Scott was white it would have been a way bigger ship, but who knows?) i love their love, i love they would do anything for each other, and i feel like there were a bunch of very missed opportunities for them in later seasons :(

so representation. this feels like a show that is trying to be Woke TM but it's not going so well. the main character is supposedly latino but it's never ever addressed. idc about "oh we want a world without prejudice" you can still fucking address it. i mean they went to Mexico a couple of times, stiles keeps saying "Mexican cousin" i mean. god. give us something. did i mention scott was told he'd make a great "nazi youth" ..

and you don't need to be a genius to see the most characters are very white or at least very white passing. and when you don't address their non whiteness they might as well be..

i already mentioned how poorly i feel kira was treated, but also mason, who is a wonderful character, gets no depth? we know nothing about him other than being gay and smart pretty much.

i also spoke about the women already but, they were really really great women characters, but not enough of them, not enough that lasted.

there's not much to talk about disability bc it just wasn't on the show. the only blind character was healed which. /: same with epilepsy and asthma..

i think the show is probably very proud (ha) with their LGBTQ+ rep bc they're like "oh let's make this insignificant couple gay bc hey nbg". examples are lydia's grandma, La Bete and marcel, i think nolan and jiang were exes and then nolan and gabe were a thing? idr if it was explicit. the couple of girls in the tent.. probably a couple more. it's nice, def better than all random couples being straight but that's not satisfying as rep.

Danny was great. i think he and ethan were.. cute? i think he was awesome, i loved danny so much and was very excited to learn he KNOWS at the end of season 3 and was waiting to see him join the pack. instead he fucking disappeared?! wtf. #WhereDidDannyGo

brett was cute rep, especially being bi but i feel like it could go into the insignificant pool which, again, is better than nothing.

mason and corey i just don't have strong feelings about. they were definitely cute and I'm glad they were together, i love mason A Lot. i think this relationship could be explored more, or at least the characters could be explored more to give this relationship more depth.

very interesting how there's no wlw canon couple, not even hinted. just fan servicey hot malia kira dance which /:

not to mention transgenderness. god can you imagine the interesting plotline of transitioning while being a werewolf 0:

i think the rep i was most happy about was ethan and Jackson. even tho i don't think there was build up or clues in the first couple of seasons, I'm happy for the actor who i know was struggling with coming out publicly, and it was very fun and refreshing for the ending. even if we got very few scenes with them the dynamic was 10/10

the biggest problem is obviously stiles. i just don't understand why, if they're so supposedly progressive, they went to that length to queerbait without following through. the whole gag of wanting to be attractive to danny and to gay guys, the whole "aww danny want to have sex with me that's so nice", the whole "do you like guys too?". it's a gag. his alleged bisexuality is the butt of a joke, and it pisses me the fuck off. they don't have to make it a big deal or have him get a bf for it to be official. it wasn't subtle subtext. it was a CHOICE. to put a spotlight on his sexuality but not deliver. -100/10 would not recommend.

also they could talk about his mental health more.

and about Scott's, please and thank you.

and everyone's.

i had some more feelings, like villains changing sides without getting a proper redemption and having no consequences, the wholesomeness of the sherriff and mellisa being each other's kids second parent eichen house (wtf??), and more, but i think i wrote enough for now.

tl;dr- good show with A Lot of problems, will always have a place in my heart bc I'm a nostalgic gal.

[theskyexists]

Jeeze

I've only seen one Christmas movie before in truth - and that was AWFUL - like, the second hand embarrassment was insane - and in the end she....kinda swapped her boyfriend for his brother? Lol. I enjoyed it for how awful it felt to watch and how the whole family bullied the main character because she was so socially inept/insecure. The escalation was incredible and the catharsis was uh....death. That has given me the impression that Christmas movies are all about dealing with family and relationship and personal problems and the way those three interact this movie really seems to be in that tradition - and I like it.

It's amazing how fucked up Harper's family is and it's amazing how much rejection and disdain and indifference and being left behind Abby is having to take. Like - damn. She's gonna have to express that soon or things will BLOW. Harper is being very stupid and selfish but I understand completely how it might come to this.

I love the chemistry between Abby and Riley - it's such a breath of fresh air - it's a GREAT contrast with the suffocating toxicity of Harper's family and their circles and etc.

Oh Harper - you fuckin dick

It would be funny if she lost her second girlfriend whom she's hiding from her family and throwing under the bus to her first girlfriend who she hid and threw under the bus.

I mean tragic of course. But I'm feeling slightly spiteful.

Kstew has SUCH great hair in this my god!

Harper you fuckin dick

I know exactly how this feels and it feels AWFUL

Harper you IDIOT you're risking your relationship you're risking it alllll

Also Abby is kinda an idiot' for lying the whole time. She's either a great liar or really Harper is wanting to believe her lies

Harper is clearly so stupid and scared all the time and also an asshole because of it. She has no space in her brain beyond : gotta make sure I make my parents proud & gotta make sure nobody finds out im gay

No band width

If I was Abby I'd be like - ok BYYYYEEEEE

Just to make her feel what she's breaking

Oh! She's actually trying to do that. Sucks u came here in your gf's car

Yes!!!! Go to her ex the only one who's treated you decently!!! HAHAHAHAHA

Jezus christ this mother....

AND hypocrisy about exes from Harper too.

Oh how the fuck could this turn out well for them ever???

LOVE how them being buddies is eating her. What has she told Abby???

Oh my god that break up HURT like HELL - so quick, so deserved, so tragic, so stupid, so awful. What a great shot. Great director.

Yeah Harper I get the shitty situation you're in but you haven't done enough I'm afraid. I mean, what the fuck was that with the friends and with Connor and letting her family and friends dismiss her roommate which means FRIEND. Yeah cos she's been trained to, yes bc she's working on 2 % brain power and the rest is spent on being afraid. BUT WHO WAS HURT IN THIS SITUATION

Yeah but it's hard not to offer comfort to a person you love when they're in pain

Ofc the fuckin sister comes in

The way they never have any privacy is really the problem

Oh god John - WHY. No no no I can't get through THIS part

'no one's supposed to know yet - we had an agreement' ???????

This is going to be........... Disastrous. Isn't it. Oh I am preparing myself in order to ENJOY these shitty parents' downfall and not feel the second hand lash of the whip

Do love how them being such shit parents sure is finally blowing up in their faces. HOORAY.

(agghhhhhhhhhhhhgggh)

Wow Sloane. Harper get her back. Just rip it all to shreds

Oh no. Nope. Harper fuckin hell. Please don't do denial. Just tell them that uhhhh her husband is cheating (is that what was happening?)

Oh NOOOOOOOOOOO

No!!!!

*office gif I can't find* NO!!!!! NO!!!

I can't seem to continue the video. Ok harden my heart. Just . Good practice. Harden heart.

Oh it keeps going. Oh fuck.

Welp. Guess you've lost it all. After all. Idiot.

Ah she was trying to go there but she never got there because she went denial first and that unexpectedly sounded really terrible. Yeah that's realistic. So in character so far. Thinks things will be simple and doesn't even imagine the hurt it causes others.

Liked the little shot of Sloane being like hmmm.....that didn't feel as good as I thought it would.

Damn these children are all horrifically stunted. Except Jane.

Jane is really wonderful and my heart hurts so much for her and she made me laugh about joining the fight. And I'm glad Harper looked stricken about what she'd done. (Once again, very in character). The thing is, I would have just pushed Sloane to the floor and screamed in her face as I shook her very violently. Pretty sure anyone untrained in martial arts would do that. But this is a film.

I like how they've basically made all these sisters equal in their parents' eyes - and destroyed their dads career in one fell swoop. Welll done! Finally some breathing room.

Oh god....that's so heartbreaking. Abby.....her parents. Christmas.... They really didn't tell each other enough at all huh

I know that John is right but it's still really hurtful though! Like goddamn

'I wanna be with someone who is ready' THAT'S AN AMAZING THING - BECAUSE THAT'S ALSO PERFECTLY VALID.

'you ok' from Riley. Wow

Harper now's the time to apologise for what you did. YES

god that was her best friend. She lost so much to this SHIT

NOOOOOOOO SHE DID IT!!!!! SHE DID IT!!!!

I'm fucking crying

Your career ruined your family's well-being! Greatttt!

THEY WENT BACK??? THEY DIDNT GO HOME??? WHAT THE FUCK LOL

I'd have just left

I guess its a good thing they didnt

Ok I guess - the - uh - I guess its cos the stress is gone but like - this also very much reads like - if you're a romantic partner you get to be important and otherwise not. Also I get why it's gotta be Mother, but this is Harper once again dropping the ball and not inviting Abby herself lol.

I knew Jane's book was gonna do well just from her brief plot description lol. So Happy John was so interested. Oh MY GOD I FORGOT HE WAS A PROFESSIONAL EDITOR. sneaky sneaky writing

I thought the height difference was gonna be awkward but so far it's actually been really cute

That was a great ending shot

THE DAD STILL WON? WOW wtf lol

OH MY GOD RILEY IS WITH THEM AT PRIDE AND SEEMS TO HAVE A GF! Those insta posts are actually a great epilogue.

[lunasaturnine]

Vienna and cultural trauma

WOW so cool to sign into tumblr and see 99+ notifications, and think “oh a post got some attention,” but it’s actually just general attention!

My astro blog is ready for some action! Or maybe ppl are just bored bc of the quarantine. Either way, it would be cool to write.

I want to write about VIENNA.

I just took a course about somatic healing of trauma and it gave me a good overview of how trauma recovery works. Chapter 1 of trauma recovery is gathering resources. Chapter 2 is dipping or oscillating back into the memory, whether it’s a clear memory or just something held hidden in your body, with your new resources, and allowing circles to complete. Chapter 3 is being bigger bigger brighter in the world !!! (It’s a nice course, it’s on somatopia.com, it costs $40 if you have that to throw around, it’s like 2 hours of videos of a nice man talking in a soothing voice in intelligent language about healing from trauma)

Now I’m thinking about cultural trauma and Vienna. I have long felt that helping to heal the Hitler wound of Vienna is one of my soul’s major dharmic thrusts. So I googled “healing cultural trauma” and most resources out there talk about the trauma of the victim culture. That kind of trauma is totally different, because it recommends amplifying the traditions and greatnesses of the culture, and when you’re a cultural perpetrator of violence, amplifying the greatness of your culture is a trigger because cultural superiority is what lead your culture to be violent. But there are still a lot of resources with a lot of valuable information. I’ve only skimmed a couple things so far and it seems like one thing people emphasize in cultural healing is human connectedness.

The internet is a little hard to navigate on this topic, but I found an NYT editorial called “I loved my grandmother but she was a Nazi.” The author’s sweet grandma was literally a Nazi but she was a nice person who didn’t hate Jews. When the author talked to her about it, she would deflect. “He said a lot of things, I didn’t listen to them all” and “I was caught up in my own life” etc. The author says, that’s bullshit, there’s something she’s avoiding, and I can’t understand what it is or why she’s doing it, and I’m hesitant to say this because it might seem like I’m trying to forgive Naziism but I’m really just trying to understand who I look at when I look at my grandmother. It’s the most direct address of the West’s Nazi wound that I’ve found in my two and a half minutes of searching on google and I think it’s on the nose.

In the readmore are my more concrete thoughts on potential resources for Western/German/Viennese healing, and thoughts about what working through phase 2 would look like for a perpetrator culture.

Resources

On this reddit post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/history/comments/5nfqwp/my_grandmother_grew_up_in_nazi_germany/

there are some resources. First of all, 1. there are people from diverse backgrounds respective to WWII, coming together and talking as equals in the same kind of “room.” The descendants of the persecuted and the persecutors are together and they are not enemies. The knowledge, and SOMATIC FEELING EXPERIENCE, of that, can be  a resource. I am typing over this brusquely and that’s Mercury magic for you and you should know that I just burst into sobs. That in just a couple of generations, the grandsons and daughters of enemies can be together and not hate each other and even love each other is an immense resource and can be leaned into at any point. There is a vast well of cultural relief available here. My tears are thankful, grateful tears, tears of relief. I am thinking of the parks in vienna that are holocaust memorial parks. I am thinking of that horrible statue out in front of the Albertina that is a memorial to cultural violence but at the same time, also represents the trapped soul of the Perpetrator culture, since we are all One. In the same way that a piece of music which opens with a terrifying chord represents both the terror experienced by the terrorized, and the menace of the terrorizer, AND THE FEELINGS IN THE terrorizer that caused them to generate this chord... off on a tangent, and I’m not sobbing anymore! That was crazy. I have a tendency to lock my feelings up, but being alone in this house and in this quarantine, I can open up locked wells of feeling like that.

That resource is IMMENSE, and it’s RIGHT in front of our faces all the time. I took a class on 20th century germany in undergrad, and the professor was a young guy with a Nazi grandfather, well I’m not sure if he was a Nazi but he was a German soldier, and he remarked on it. And I think at the time I thought “how lovely” but if you sit with that feeling, it’s deep as hell. And if you sit with it from the perspective of a penitent perpetrator, it’s REALLY FUCKING DEEP.

So that’s available. Im gonna post this real quick as a way of saving the draft but I have more ideas.

Okay. Continuing,

Resource 2 also from reddit post

The top respondent says his German POW uncle had a British GF. That’s similar to the first resource, but more immediate. I’m sure there are lots of stories like that. Intercultural experience that nullifies certain tensions

Resource 3 also from reddit post

The stories of people who did do the right thing... maybe. I dont know. I’ll get off this post soon but it’s interesting. Idk if this counts as a resource, it’s kind of a tangent, but the more I learn about karma and trans-life inheritance of it, the more it seems true that it really is better to die living in line with your beliefs than to live safely. Like the person in Pweuy’s post. That father died but his karma was pristine as far as this was concerned and perpetrator trauma did not cling to him.

ok jesus this is an interesting post... the girl skipping over the river of blood as it trickled out of the asylum... the hitler youth boy befriending a lamb and the nazis slaughtering it in front of him... the russian soldier who guarded the german girl because she reminded him of her daughter...

Okay. Before I go on, I want to clarify that I am not specifically talking about people who held Nazi beliefs in their core. There is a special type of perpetrator injury that is specific to that kind of thing, true villains and terrorists. I’m talking more about “ordinary Germans” who didn’t think very hard and got swept along, moderate supporters to moderate resisters. As a culture, they were moved by the tides into Naziism. They have culpability, but not the exact same kind of culpability as perpetrator people. The culture moved to perpetrate these crimes, and they were a part of that culture. That’s the specific kind of wound I’m interested in healing. There is a poster on that page whose grandma really loved Hitler...

Ok! I spent a lot of my energy in that page, now its 10PM and I still have veggies to prepare. I need energy for this next thing I was going to talk about.

Resource 4 - this one specific coffee shop

I’m putting *s in its name because I like this blog anonymous. P*****n is a coffee shop in Vienna that is the only happy place I went. There were places that were ok... and fine... maybe pleasant... but this place was American levels of happy. Waiters danced around and were actually relaxed and happy. P*****n’s theme is intergenerational communication. It hires grandmothers to work behind the counter, and make pies, and you’re supposed to buy a slice of their pie and talk to them a bit. And then the waiters are young, and they communicate with the Omas. And the Omas are maybe not old enough to have been Nazis but their parents were.

They also include a bit in all their menus about intergenerational dialogue and wondering what more they can do and how they can be more of a space for it.

I had MANY genuinely pleasant little experiences there... and I think that little space that some person with a vision made, is a blossoming flowerpot with lots of healing energy where true dialogue could happen. So that could be a resource too. The happiness of that place. In fact, these conversations could happen there.

But I wouldn’t want to break the space. The course I just took talked about titration, which is just accessing a TINY part of the traumatic memory, so you don’t get overwhelmed. This is a very icy fucked up conversation for a lot of people. My Viennese friend told me to talk more quietly about it than I was. Actually I did talk about it there with some people! The German girl was surprised that I thought Vienna had a wound. So was the Irish girl actually. For other people it’s really evident. My Viennese friend. D**n. Rf: “it’s ALL I feel when I am there.” ME. God that conversation was sooo gentle and sweet and light. The Irish girl was wondering if she should move to Vienna or stay in Barcelona, and the three of us talked about Vienna nd it was SOOOOO LOVELY, holy BALLS.

But even if we don’t hold conversations there exactly, that could be a really good place for conversation to start. I could reach out to the people who run the shop to ask them about it. And then maybe conversations could happen in other places (don’t want to spoil the sweetness of the shop).

Resource 5 - personal as I investigate maybe not really a resource - but yes maybe it is a resource: Grounded, comfortable people who are Viennese, and who understand the goals and also understand the sensitivities of Viennese people more than I do; 

Resource 6 - people who are experts at cultural healing in victim cultures

Resource 7 - fostering dialogue between those two parties, also me.

Again I’m really playing fast and loose with the idea of resources. Maybe. We’re starting to move into phase 2, also, because with this dialogue, I want to open up some scripts for how to TITRATE sensitively.

phase 2

For instance, notice that I didn’t say something like “Remembering Vienna’s amazing heritage of incredible music that has the power to redeem and heal equal to and more accessibly than religions.” I think it’s true that Viennese music is a major healing resource (BEETHOVENSCHUBERTMOZARSKLTBSLJRTHBLEWSKJNS:OFDFD), but since it is bound up in Viennese identity, that notion is complex. Also, it’s not only that Viennese identity is nasty because it’s nazi and therefore that gives Schubert etc a dark tint, but also, the grand things that Vienna has contributed to western culture are now a part of Vienna’s current wound of degradation, cheapification, and humiliation by TOURISM. although I will say that I think Resource 8 should be MY OWN deep internalization of the healing power of Viennese music. Posting again to save...

...not only does that music help me be healed, but it also helps me understand healing process in the specific language of the culture i’m interested in

okay.  Phase 2. 

A picture of what I think sorta needs to happen

I think Omas that say “It was just a lot of talk, we ignored it” and “I was busy in my life”... I think what needs to happen for a perp culture is for them to actually own their part in the villainy, to claim it and stand in it and feel the pain, and say “I’m SORRY, this was HORRIBLE, I AM SORRY.” THIS WILL ALLOW THEM TO BECOME NEW!!!!!!!

That’s a v different healing process from like native american healing etc.

I really think somatic approach is a better road in than cognitive because, god, imagine cognizing all of this HORRIBLE SIN bit by bit knowing your culture perpetrated it and not having anyone to blame it on. Jesus.

How might the process of getting there look?

This is vague especially now that I don’t have that burst of energy. Conversations...

Here’s a question. After resource gathering.

“Knowing that bells rang for Hitler in Vienna, how does it feel to be Viennese?” IN YOUR BODY?

Damn THAT’S GOOD! THAT’S THE FUNDAMENTAL QUESTION. How does it feel to be Viennese? The goal is for it to feel OK.

Um, speaking specifically about Wiener trauma and their welcoming of Hitler, a few years ago, I read this in some guidebook, Vienna’s government acknowledged that they welcomed Hitler and that they were wrong, and investigating that is important for my mission. It’s cool because 1. it’s a Big Ol Step and 2. it lays groundwork for all of this.

Step 3 is really beautiful to think about. In the course I took, it’s where the instructor got out of his soothing calm neutral demeanor and started speaking passionately and bursting with smiles.

In addition to being able to be more firmly grounded in their own individual and cultural identities...

Okay, so, I’m drawn to this because I’m drawn to it, punkt. That’s all. But also, and I think I’m really late on the uptake here, I think I was due in Vienna many years ago, I think that whatever work I do in Vienna is helpful for the echoes of Naziism in today’s world, such as Trumpism (which does not...exactly... have the same kinds of premises but uses a lot of the same kinds of mecahnisms) and actual brazen nationalism, white supremicism, and far right movements. Hitler is a LOUD and REVERBERANT figure in our history for this kind of energy, and if we can do healing surrounding him, re-discovering resilience in the moderates, helping them go through the emotional journey they need to go through, they will be a beautiful resonant horn call from the past, a solid core of NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that will strengthen the culture of the entire FUCKING world.

Music will be a part of it.

I have always loved Vienna, and I can’t really analyze it. I love it like a girlfriend. I know she’s problematic. And she can be really really horrible.

The wound is deep. The horribleness, the life negating quality not only of the FUCKING WRETCHED SHOP CLERKS, but also of the WAY -- THINGS -- HAPPEN, of the overall weird ass SPIRIT in Vienna, is... God DAMN WHY do I like that city so much? It’s bizarre. It’s very pervasive. I don’t enjoy experiencing it, I don’t think it’s attractive, I don’t like it. I love Vienna THROUGH that wound. I REALLY LOVE Vienna. That’s one of the clearest things that I know in my heart. I love Vienna... and that’s the whole story. It’s one of the easiest things for me to say.

Lots of people love a city. We do it for reasons. I think our hearts are drawn where they are drawn because we are attracted to healing the specific karmas of places. The karma of my hometown is mainly racial, with native american underneath. The coffee shop that is equivalent to P*****n serves often as a place of racial conversation and healing. It is actually pretty amazing. And once there was a white supremacist with a gun there and he stood up on a table and let people see his gun. He didn’t yell or anything. But that vital thing happened there in that coffee shop.

Excuse me I also love coffee shops and Vienna is the land of coffee shops.

Okay. I love Vienna! I literally love Vienna, with my heart. I love Vienna.

One last thing. I’m saving then editing...

The postscript: A major resource, and it kinda sidesteps some things, is language. It will be much better if German is spoken in these conversations. When I went to Vienna last, I didn’t prepare my German because when I went to Vienna first, everyone spoke English and it was simply easier to speak English all the time, so I figured I wouldn’t try to give the illusion and disappoint. But lo... the native people really, really resent it if you don’t even try to speak German. They actually seem to experience it as an injury. It is wild, if you’re not expecting it.

ALL OVER VIENNA I saw the Graffiti stamp/brand, “Tourism is terrorism.” 

When I was in the airport and the cute customs dudes asked me the purpose of my visit, I said “TOURISM” and they laughed. That was fun. But it was a lie. I was a pilgrim. I... know I was a tourist, technically. But I felt such hatred for the tourists standing like apes in front of the Schubert statue in the Stadtpark. Their wretched selfie smiles plastered on top of the emptiness of their experience. My purpose in Vienna had nothing in common with theirs. And I claim that I didn’t do a lot of the tourist things - not many museums or concerts or whatever.

One of my more pleasant memories was going into a used book shop and asking about a book in the window, a German-language edition of the tao te ching from 1923 (a very strange time). I asked in English. The clerk was confused and asked if I spoke German, and I answered in German that I spoke some German, but was learning, and knew the TTC very well, and that it’s simply usually easier to speak in English. I might have used imperfect German, but I felt dignified and natural doing it.

Ok, not only the German language, but the quiet Viennese demeanor of Scorpiness. Scorpscorpscorpscorp. Quiet, observant, emotional, and responsive to gentle tenderness and consideration, and traumatized by brashness. 

Both the spoken language, and the language of the demeanor, I think are somatic approaches that sidestep cognitive...things and make the culture feel unconsciously accepted and open.

On my first trip I learned howwwwww AMERICAN I was, and then on my second trip I opened myself up to my inner Wiener and was quiet and scorpy, and I felt warmth emerge from the people and city in response. It felt really right, and it felt like i was honoring...her, and it felt um sort of romantic. ha 

[oddcoupler222]

Ooookay! So, ahem, here is the tale (in vague/loose outline form):

So when Ellie is 15 she meets the Love of Her Life. Madelyn (18) goes to college and when her parents and Ellie help move her into school on the first day, they meet Madelyn's roommate Amelia, and Ellie has a crush almost immediately

Some little fun stuff on Amelia Holt: born and raised in Dorne, and has not had the easiest life. Born to a younger, single mother. They didn’t have a lot of money when she was young, and her mom was (is) a drug addict, which has resulted in a lot of ins and outs of the foster system for her, a lot of trust issues. But she is also super smart and has a willpower made of iron, and did everything she could (working part time jobs through high school, getting scholarships and loans up the ass) to go to college in King’s Landing and Make Something of Herself.

Meanwhile, Madelyn and Amelia (after a somewhat rocky start because they are both outspoken and headstrong, and they have some… misunderstandings at first) become basically bff. And because of Amelia’s home life – and Madelyn asking what she’s doing over their first holiday break, and she informs her that she is staying at school), Madelyn ends up bringing her home for holidays and vacations and stuff bc that's who Madelyn is. Highkey brotp

Meanwhile, all of this only makes Ellie's crush SO BAD because Amelia is always there and pays attention to her and is so smart etc (and she’s also a lesbian, so big time sexual awakening for her). So, quiet, shy teenage Ellie spends a couple of years with this huge crush, and Amelia is always takes the time to talk to her and SEE her, because - she is best friends with Madelyn, but she can see how Ellie feels somewhat overshadowed and how uncomfortable Ellie feels in the whole “living in the limelight” life she’d had.

When she's 17, she gathers all her courage and kisses Amelia (who is  20 at the time). And is not like SHOCKED tbh, because Ellie’s crush has been fairly obvious over the years, with the blushing and all, but she is shocked that she actually kissed her. And she regretfully has to let Ellie down because they have an age difference and she doesn't see Ellie like that right now. She is like really sweet about it because she does care about Ellie (and this whole family that has taken her in)

Ellie is MORTIFIED and like runs away from her and tells her to please never mention it again, to anyone, especially not Maddie

The next time they see each other is a month or so later, when Madelyn gets a call from Marg that Ellie was in a car accident. She's out with Amelia at the time so they both go to the hospital, and Ellie is basically fine (scrapes and a broken arm). But everyone makes a fuss (esp Marg and Madelyn. Plot twist, you might think it would be Sansa. However, Sansa is definitely like Catelyn when she's older. I just imagine in general, she is used to watching kids, babysitting, watching her mother be a mother, too - she can’t 100% know what it's going to be like to be a mom, but she has an idea of what it's going to be like. And there are moments where she panics, too, like the first time one of the girls gets in an accident, and she is /always/ a mother hen, like when they get sick and stuff. But ultimately is the one who calms Marg down when like baby-Madelyn has a sniffle and Margaery is like "we should bring her to the doctor" and Sansa is like, "we just need to keep an eye on her" and ends up comforting Marg

Or, in the event of Ellie's teenage car accident, both Sansa and Marg get to the hospital in a worry, and once they talk to the doctors and both see her for themselves and are able to hug her and coddle her, Sansa calms down and is like, everything is all right. And Marg is pacing the hospital room, being like, I will actually find this person who hit your car and kill him. I really will" and vacillates between that and deciding that Ellie shouldn't leave the house for another few weeks). And Madelyn’s very similar to Marg… as in she walks in and Ellie’s relieved and is like "Thank god you're here, I'm pretty sure moms are ready to put me in an adult size stroller and never let me out of their sight -" and then gets cut off because Madelyn gives her a huge hug and is all, "Are you okay?!" and Ellie's all Nooo not you too

Ellie is mortified still to see Amelia, who is a little apologetic for being there… Then later that night Amelia seeks her out and they talk. Ellie being embarrassed and awkward "you didn't have to come, I'm fine" and Amelia is like "Madelyn was worried. And so was I." And then she asks how Ellie is about the kiss. Which Ellie is like "I thought we weren't ever talking about that" and Amelia gives her a little speech (that she truly believes) about how in a couple of years, Ellie is going to have everyone she wants at her disposal and she'll forget all about her older sister's best friend. Ellie is - pffft, yeah right. But they go back to not having things so awkward between them.

Ellie soon moves to the North and is going to an art school (after leaving King's Landing after high school, she started an art school in the North, then transferred for an internship in another region for 2 years, then spent the next 6 traveling to different cities, only staying for like 3-6 month spans) and they see one another only a few times over the next couple of years.

An interlude - when Ellie's 20 and at her moms’ for the summer, Amelia is there, too. And she has just had a reunion with her mom and a recent breakup with the first serious girlfriend she's had to try to deal with her Intimacy Issues, and then Ellie is there and always looks at her like she's amazing and NOT a complete fake/messed up human being, and she's a little tipsy...

And so Ellie and Amelia sort of hookup. Like make out, some touching, clothes are starting to be taken off (essentially, Ellie's dream coming true). Before Amelia realizes what she's doing and stops herself and cuts it off, and is feeling - so weird because she is attracted to Ellie right now, but also feeling like shit because she is a MESS and the last thing she wants is to mess Ellie up with her, and she doesn't want Ellie to see that part of her, either (because, well, she's NEVER taken advantage of Ellie's crush on her before, but it's always been sort of nice to have her look up to her/live up to the image Ellie had of her, in a way)

But that, after the rejection that night, is what really does it to break Ellie's heart and Amelia feels like the world's worst person after. Which also cues a scene the following morning - when Ellie has left unprecedentedly early (and would subsequently very rarely return home for long stretches of time/decide to go abroad soon after) - of Madelyn coming in and being like "GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE -- gods, what happened to you last night? You like awful." she's joking, but then Amelia thinks about everything that happened with Ellie (and her mom and her ex-gf) and just sort of breaks down. And Madelyn is there for her, trying to comfort her, and asks about what happened, and Amelia wants to tell her everything. So she tells her a little. About her mom and breakup, anyway, because the only person she can talk to about that stuff is Madelyn, who she loves so much, who is like the sister she never knew she wanted until she had her. Which just makes her cry more, because she can't ever tell Madelyn about what she did with Madelyn's actual sister (aka hook up with her and break her heart)

The next few years… are sort of awkward. They don’t really spend much time one on one after that, but they do see each other, since Ellie obviously is in KL and spends time with her moms and sister at least during holidays/a few times a year. Plus, by this point, Amelia is sort of an honorary member of the family. So whenever there is a cousin’s wedding or big event, she’s invited. Things eventually stop being awkward, but there’s still a little tension there now. Eye contact, moments, you know.

Like at one bachelorette party like a year or two prior to Ellie moving back to KL, all of the cousins/friends are hanging out and drinking, and talking about love lives. And like on the topic of heartbreak, Madelyn is like “Okay, Ellie, what do you know about it? You have women that you hookup with all over the world, some of whom have gone so far to contact you after to send stuff here and you are a cool cucumber” (she’s joking. Kind of. Ellie’s notorious love life is something they joke about a lot). and Ellie just drinks and is like, “Yeah, that’s me.” But Amelia (who is engaged at this point in time and should not ever have romantic thoughts about Ellie when they see one another… but… that’s not necessarily the case) can think about the fact that she has definitely seen Ellie all heartbroken is like, “Okay, that’s enough.”

Which leads us to – when Ellie is 28, she moves back to KL because she’s going to be doing an art show in a gallery there, and the deal she has is going to be lasting for a few months, at least. And she ends up moving in with Amelia, who has a spare room. Because Madelyn is like, it’s a perfect solution, Ellie doesn't know how long she's staying, Amelia was going to rent out that room (in an apartment she moved into with her ex over a year ago, so it’s bigger than she would want for herself now that they are broken up but she can’t break her lease), and now my favorite two people are going to be in the same place!

And Ellie is like, yeah.... (facepalm bc she still has an ongoing THING for Amelia that she even tries to deny to herself sometimes but.) and Amelia at first is like, this will be good! Until she realizes that cute and idealistic and sweet Ellie is now very attractive and successful and still sweet older Ellie and now she's sharing her apartment... (and now that her engagement had crashed and burned, in part because she was accused of not being able to be open enough with her fiancée – plus she has sort of been using that relationship as a way to not ever see Ellie in another light. which also didn’t always work)

Ellie isn't like super awkward anymore and doesn't like blush all the time around Amelia, and has seen her multiple times over the last ten years, so she has like - dealt with her feelings enough so that it's in the back of her mind and manageable. It’s just a part of her life now. Esp because she thinks Amelia will only ever see her the way she did when she was 17

Like, while in a lot of ways, Ellie is overall a lot like Sansa, her romantic life is a lot like Marg's. As in, she spent 10 years, and in her travels, she would hook up with people and have flings or short relationships with them, but never was interested in anything serious, and just... she’s only fallen for one person seriously and can’t get out of it

Meanwhile, Amelia was in a relationship and was engaged and it got broken off like 10 months or so before Ellie moved back to KL, and Ellie is the first person she feels safe to try something new with, mostly because it doesn't feel like trying something new, but like settling into something that has always been here. But don’t get it wrong, it’s still kind of terrifying to contemplate being in a Thing with Ellie after all this time.

So Amelia is now in a struggle with her attraction and feelings. Like what if she makes a move and it messes something up with her dynamic in the Tyrell family, who she has really become close to in the last 13 years.

They sort of start out as awkward roommates… and then start to feature nights watching things together on tv, which leads to them bonding, and they start having dinners and conversations. Late nights eating their shared favorite ice cream. Which is so weirdly nice for Amelia, to actually talk to Ellie instead of hearing updates from others and only seeing snippets of her. Getting to hear all of her stories and travels. And on the flipside, for Ellie, it’s like. She has had very serious and intense feelings for Amelia, but she has never gotten to get to KNOW her one on one with both of them being adults. It’s really like falling into a dream for her.

Aaaand then one of their nights watching shows sort of leads into Ellie sitting with a sketchpad and drawing Amelia who... has always had a face Ellie loves to draw and photograph. It’s the first time Amelia actually sees it, though, and it leads to a Moment. A heated kiss, that ends early, with Ellie pulling away and worrying, because this… is how she gets her heartbroken all over again. so Ellie pulls away and dives into work, trying not to be home too often.

Which leads Amelia, who feels like the Spark for Ellie, like she is really already falling for her, to seek her out at her studio space. Which leads to a talk… and then some more kissing. And they agree to start something but decide to keep it discreet and casual for now, because their lives are so intertwined, and they need to figure out what they are doing.

This features a lot of sneaking around, amusing hijinks, and one morning where Madelyn enters the apartment and they are both naked in Amelia’s bed, only waking up when the door to the apartment closes/they hear Madelyn. And Ellie hops up and runs to hide in the closet, just in time for Madelyn to open the door and be like…. Well someone has clearly been holding out on me, who are you sleeping with?! And Amelia stuttering over how it’s a secret, and then diving (wrapped in a sheet) to stop Madelyn from opening her closet to borrow a jacket. And Madelyn asking where tf Ellie is, because she wasn’t in her room, and Amelia badly lying about not knowing. (and once Madelyn leaves, opening the closet to see Ellie now “dressed” in a mis-matched outfit of Amelia’s that she pulled on just in case Madelyn opened the door, and Amelia is SO endeared, and has to keep her laughing down bc Madelyn is still there, waiting for her). Thus ensues Madelyn making jokes about figuring out who Amelia is sleeping with and asking Ellie what she knows, and both of them like choking on their drinks, etc

Eventually Amelia falls in love with Ellie and she doesn't know what to do because like. Ellie is just acting the way she always has, plus... she never stays in one place too long. She was right, years ago, when she said that Ellie would one day have the world (and the women in it), and now she is the one who feels at a loss.

Culminating in Sansa, Marg, and Madelyn finding out about them over lunch one day – well, Amelia makes a big confession. Madelyn is shocked, but Amelia looks at Sansa and Marg, who are both like "oh, wow!" but it's not actually /surprised/ and she's like, "... you knew?" And Sansa is like #badliar, "No! No, no, we didn't know, we -" and Marg cuts her off and is like, "We knew." And a Sansa/Marg eye contact moment where like - at this point, they've been married for 30 years, and they don't need words to have the conversation where Sansa is like "we've agreed that we have both known Ellie has been in love with Amelia for ten years and not to bring it up until she did!" and Marg is all, "And she just brought it up! Our time has come!".. the whole convo happens with a look. And this leads into Madelyn going to talk to Amelia - she asks for like the WHOLE story, so Amelia starts with Ellie kissing her when she was 17, and Amelia is like "You kissed my underage sister?! This started when she was 17?!" And Amelia is all, "NO! I turned her down!" "You turned my sister down?? Ellie? She's gorgeous and smart and -" "Oh, my gods, can I talk?!" "Right. Sorry"

Ending featuring Ellie’s art show, where Amelia goes as her date, and it’s sort of a perfect night. But Ellie also gets other offers from galleries all over to go there next, and it induces a panic in Amelia. Who then makes a speech to Ellie about how she has always felt this like draw towards her and how she has been trying to do the right thing by her for ten years and she knows Ellie has probably moved on from when she used to be in love with her, because it has been so long, and will likely leave KL again and take the world by storm, but she's missed her every time she left in the last ten years and now she knows why and she doesn't know how to deal with missing her even more.

And it really breaks down every barrier Ellie has had to try to protect herself this time around, because she's been in love with her since she was 15 and it doesn't matter where she goes or how long she's away, because all she's wanted has been for Amelia to tell her she wants her too.

Of course.

 And as it turns out, she has made a deal with this gallery for renewed contracts for work. So. Happy ending all around!

[beaversatemygrandma]

Hmmm I was just given another option of how my year may go.  I Could always move up to NC for a while with my dad, where I’ll actually have somebody who will help me move forward and teach me how to be a real adult.  Coming out as transmasc will likely not happen tho, but at least i could be openly bi up there.  (read more bc im rambly thinking about this stuff)

Not to mention he’s willing to take like two days off, get me insurance, a license and a car right as i go up there. Like instantly. Instead of this argument with my mom about how i’m rushing to get my license (im fuckin 21 im not rushing, i Need one). Plus she says she’d be okay with me moving back in, but i’d be paying rent, and she doesn’t want me to yet. (apparently wants to remodel her bathroom first but idk what that has to do with me) Not to mention she’s wanting to bail on this state as soon as my sister graduates. Which is maybe in a year and a half?  So, if i do that, I might not be in FL for a long while (at least six months or so but if i like it there? maybe longer), but at least I’d have a car and be able to drive back as i please. I love long road trips, so that’s def not out of the option for the one of you wondering ;3 

It would be a good change of pace and after talking to the bf about it, he says it might be a good chance to move on and get to do what i want to do instead of just existing as i am. Which is a bit sad, but ik we weren’t going to be a forever thing. We’ve established that one a while ago. But heck, as of the end of may it would be my longest relationship at 2 yrs. I’d definitely still talk to him too.  i mean sure, i dont know anyone there bc i havent lived there since i was 7, but id at least have my dad, youngest sister, and grandma. It’s a solid idea and my dad even knows people working at NCU and i might be able to get in there and actually do college now that im not burnt out to extreme points.  Plus, he wouldn’t charge me rent. 

And not knowing people would give me a good chance to put myself out there again and not struggle with sifting through the friends i have in my mom’s town to avoid the relations to my ex. And maybe not be suffocated by being close to all the town’s stoners. Like i am now. Ish. I stopped talking to people and im starting to wonder if its even worth trying to go back to them because i might not have the friendship degeneration thing, but ik all of them do. (except like one and i will REGRET leaving them behind bc we still text like once a month and theyre so fuckin encouraging and sweet even if it is the much older stoner i hung out with back in the panera days) Besides, being with that group just led me into turning into a stoner myself and im breaking away from that one because holy hell that was a Ride start to finish. (my brain goes FAST again and its shocking like holy shit i can read still) A lot of regretful stuff happened, even if some of it was fun as hell, but not worth it in the long run if i want to be a functioning human being. 

Will i go up there and be one of those people on tinder looking for friends because they’re new to town? yeah probably. Will it work? I fucking hope so. I want to gather other like-minded people to hang out with so bad. Maybe some other nb people too. (and tbh maybe a gf because heck yeah) 

I’m liking this idea currently. It’d be a nice change of pace. Having a supportive parent around would also be a nice thing. And my little sister needs an influence from somewhere (even if the two of our ADHD issues goes berserk when together. I’ll do something impulsive, then she does and it’s usually worse bc she’s only 12 and Much Worse with focus even on meds.) And my dad supports meds, unlike my mom. So if i could get this adhd treated, things might just get easier too. (instead of self-medicating with things i shouldnt self-medicate with lol) 

Random unrelated thing, i actually ended up talking to my mom about the mental health screenings she got me as a child. Apparently 2 doctors said i was super hyperactive with adhd and another one said aspergers. So. I might have undiagnosed aspergers too. So that’s a thing. (no she never medicated me or went any further with testing. bc giving benzos to kids is bad which i can understand, but i didnt grow out of it like she thought i would and it causes me problems.) 

The only things im really worried about with going up there, is of course, leaving people behind, possibly having to take care of my extremely hyperactive sister who overwhelms me, and being in a big city.  Like Big City my dude. It’s Charlotte. I mean yeah sure, its where i was born, but i havent been in a big city since i was 7. Relearning how to drive during Their rush hour instead of the one here will be very overwhelming.  Perks though, would be real public transportation (they have trains and real buses, like holy shit), a parent who gives a shit, and the insane amount of decent paying job openings up there that wouldn’t be in a tourist trap where i’d get disrespected by rich white people all the time bc they think im stupid or smth. (no avoiding karens tho if i go back into customer service but if i can help it, im avoiding that) 

But i think just having a parent who encourages me and wants me to progress in life would be the biggest help. My mom seems to not want to see me getting ‘better than her’ bc the rest of the family looks down on her for not being successful (ig, i mean her sister’s a lawyer who stole my college fund to put her kids into private schools and accessed the will from my granddad way too early and all that shit when we’re the ones who needed that money bc we make less than 20k a year) but still, aren’t you supposed to be proud of your child if they’re going to potentially be in a better spot than you are?  Like my dad continues to remind me that i graduated with honors and a bunch of special stuff and how that isn’t common and how i have so much potential that i dont think i have and how i can actually qualify for a decent well paying job if i just go back to school. Plus, he’s got the connections to NCU. That’s a good school. I really wouldn’t mind actually getting some peace of mind for the future by getting what i need to done. And He’ll Help Me. (EDIT: It’s not NCU, it’s UNC. The Tar Heels. The blue one. In NC. Not Cali.) And he even knows how the world works a lot better than my mom seems to. He actually knows how to use those government help things and work around all the issues there instead of the blanant avoidance my mom has to it. (i havent had insurance since i was 17, like heck i need to go get myself checked out for A Lot of things and i cant afford to do that. She also doesn’t believe in credit cards. Real words she’s said. I shit you not.) 

i think i might do it. i dont see myself thriving back at my mom’s. she’d just keep me under her control and prob have me just at yet another standstill like ive been in since 2017. (fuckin pandemic really didnt help that. chose a bad year to get my shit together tbh because that didnt work, hell, neither did i lol)  Yeah sure, i got to move out and see what that’s like. Living on my own, working over 40 hours a week, seeing how poverty+ tastes... it tastes bad. I dont want to do that again. I learned some things. I’ve matured and have (mostly) processed what the actual fuck the trauma i got during high school was. (ahh the neo-nazi and the abusive jackass of a bf i had... hoooboy...)  Plus real seasons?? Sign me up. I miss seeing orange leaves in the fall and snow in the winter. And not suffering with daily 90+ degree weather. 

Even if i can’t (the transphobia is scary my guy) come out as transmasc, i’ll still likely get my hands on a binder and just go full gnc. More than i was before tbh. I’ve always been the ‘tomboy’ so it wouldn’t be so out of place doing that all of the sudden. Prob also going to cut my hair to have that fauxhawk that can be used in the most nb ways. It seems very nice and very versatile.  Might help the dysphoria that I’ve apparently had since 2015, likely longer. That’s just when i learned the word for it. Which has been Much Much worse lately due to the quarantine mane i still have going on. (mom wouldn’t help me just shave it off.... ;-;  Tho it is only shoulder length now with an undercut. Better, but still not good.) And the weight. Oh god and the weight. I miss my days of being flat as a board and having people unable to tell what i was. But nooo, i gotta be curvy. Doesn’t help that my mom makes me feel bad about it too. (thanks for the plus size clothes i got last xmas... im not that big. Damn.) Might also be the birth control... my body has more female hormones now than it knows what to do with. I could benefit from a break from it tbh. 

Also, who knew that if i stop self-medicating in a certain way, I’d get my will to live back? I sure wasn’t expecting it to hit so soon after quitting after hearing all the bs about how it was addictive and hard to quit (it’s not. At all. sure there’s a certain reliance your brain gets if you smoke for like four years straight all day everyday, i didn’t personally but it was a decent amount, but after like a day or two it’s gone. No headaches. No weird pain and mood swings. Whoever started the shit about it being so bad obviously never tried it. *glares at fuckin reagan and DARE and all the racial/criminal issues that come with it*) Though, I’ll still be happy that it’s getting legalized. (not fully in either of these states but still, it’s at least decriminalized in NC) It is a good thing in moderation, like giving a cat catnip. Just an extra plaything tossed into your enclosure sometimes so you don’t get bored and depressed. I haven’t done it in a good two weeks though and only really will if i end up hanging out with said stoner friends or to knock myself out if insomnia is kicking my ass, but that’s really it. I don’t want to anymore and that’s the end of that.  Not going back to embracing stoner culture like i did back in my apt and panera days tho. There’s some sketchy people who come around and its usually with drugs that actually are bad. (like that one tinder date who tried to bring coke into my apt and me and my roommate had to quickly shut him down. Never did hear from him again. Which is good. Not gonna associate with that shit that’s actually addictive and potentially dangerous.) Anyways, just glad im not too burnt out anymore to think and talk to people. This is definitely a step in the right direction. I think i could actually have a chance if i make the move this year. I definitely have enough savings to drop on the whole move and car and whatever else I’d need. (stimmies themselves pay for the car bc i never did spend them) 

Hopefully, this will end with me feeling good about myself for the first time ever and actually doing something with my life instead of sitting around depressed as hell. Could maybe be a real adult for once. Hell, I’m almost 22, i need to get onto this shit. My gap year may have been four years, but im getting there.  The positive influence from the bf and his family have been good for me and i think it was the kick i needed to get me started. The pandemic has given me a chance to breathe and process things. So, it hasn’t been all bad.  I just have to remember to pace myself so i don’t burn out again. It took way too long to recover from it. 

Side note: Holy fuck the covid case in NC are SO MUCH LESS than FL. Like less than half. Only about 1k vs like 6k a day. Another pro I guess. 

[hatchibomitar]

1-70

alright this has been sitting here for like a month and im tipsy so im gonna fkin answer it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

i have a great relationship with my mom!!

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

my girlfriend 😊😊😊😊❤❤

03: Do you regret anything?

oh sure i do! lots of little things. that’s anxiety babey. but i don’t regret any choices that have got me to where i am today

04: Are you insecure?

it depends on the day, i am some of the time - but it’s a huge improvement from the past omg

05: What is your relationship status?

in a RELATIONSHIP with the LOVE OF MY LIFE 

06: How do you want to die?

i do Not like this question ! goodbye thot

07: What did you last eat?

salsa chicken and rice, and zucchini!!!!! and i might annihilate a pint of ice cream later

08: Played any sports?

yes omg i played soccer and lacrosse!!! i love lacrosse sm.

09: Do you bite your nails?

nope i never have! i used to rip them off though lmfao! not the whole thing!!!!! jsust bits

10: When was your last physical fight?

never lmao

11: Do you like someone?

yes

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

no oh my goodness i would literally die

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

sober kaiden might be all dramatic and say yes but white claw kaiden says No :-)

14: Do you miss someone?

yes :( i want to be Kissed!

15: Have any pets?

yA omg i have 2 cats at my mom’s house!!!!! i cannot wait until i can have my own pet

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

i’m actually feeling fgreat, it’s basically my summer break rn and usually i’d feel terrible with no strict plans of what to do, but today was so much fun. i had a great time just fuckin around. im very optimistic

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

HEHEHE oh my gosh, i don’t kiss and tell, but yes i do actually. ok so not a public bathroom but someone else’s bathroom at a party, yes, and my own bathroom, yes, and someone else’s bathroom, yes! i just love bathrooms (wow i sound so cis)

18: Are you scared of spiders?

not especially ! i am Not good at capturing them and also i cannot kill them, but i am sometimes ok with just letting them chill. ok maybe i lied. it depends

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

no 😤

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

the brit Popped Out! the last place was, the airport when i dropped my girlfriend off :(((((

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

omg well it’s still the weeknd rn? it’s sunday night. and my plans were: d&D!!!!!! and it was SO FUN!!! but next weekend, im seeing my bestie graduate college along w my other mt friends, and then on sunday i’m driving home 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

Yes I Do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i ‘m not super sure, maybe 2? 1 would be fine too but also i feel like siblings are great, even tho they’re terrible at the same time. like i’d face my brother in ritual combat but i would also slap a high schooler in the face for being mean to him, yknow

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

i do! i have 2 closed up ear holes. 

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

i was always great great great at english/reading/spelling! now i’m in college so like uhhh . i get to choose my subjects. so my best is photography ahah!! but i’m not bad at writing :-)

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

not desperately. sometimes i feel the urge to reconnect with old friends tho

26: What are you craving right now?

a Kiss!!!!!!

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

wait omg first i have a story. so on facebook they used to have those things where you’d answer questions, like this, in a note. i got tagged to do one so i did. let me set the scene. it was sophonmore year of high schoool. im 16. i’d broken up with my first “real” boyfriend a few months ago. so i was tagged for this shindig right.? it got to this very same question: have you ever broken someone’s heart? and i thought about this kid who i dated for 2.5 months...and i was like....well, clearly, he’s devastated we aren’t together! so i answered “Yes. Unfortunately.” ooohhhhh..... the drama.......the absolute emotion..... riveting.... who was he ? i was probably listening to jonas brothers SOS at the time.

anyway, how am i supposed to actually know ? like does sometone have to say “u broke my heart?” bc if so no one’s said that. but my last gf took the breakup v hard so maybe ? but i don’t wanna plant emotions in to anyone’s skull!

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

one of my exes sexted her friends. jury is still out on whether that counts, please lmk me know ur thots. kaelin, if ur out there, i’m so.................................happy that i haven’t spoken a word to you for 3 years. fuck off !

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

Yes

30: What’s irritating you right now?

real quick, an update on the chocolate ice cream situtiaon. i’ve cracked open my pint, as well as another hard seltzer. i’ve also lit a candle. it’s a real production

anyway, no ! oh hahahah. sorry. thought it shaid who’s irritating you. ummm, personal stuff! but im not like mad. just personal drama

31: Does somebody love you?

lors of people do! and lots of people love You Too!!!!! you’re a delight!

32: What is your favourite color?

i LOVE yellow !!!!!!!!!!!! and blue, specifically teal! but not too dark of a teal you km,now ?

33: Do you have trust issues?

depends what im trusting them with !

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

i had a nightmare that i was sabrina the teenage witch and another witch was chasing me on a rooftop trying to kill me :(

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

hmmm idk actually bc it’s hbeen hard for me to cry lately :( probably maya ?

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

to be honest i don’t think i’ve often had the chance to Give a second chance

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

idk man iuhhh it’s kinda hard to just literally completely forget! and mnaybe not as healthy!

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

that’s kinda premature, it’s only april!!! but i suppose may is soon. idk im not sure! maybe every year is the best year of my life :-)

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

20 bb

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

i have ANaughT

51: Favourite food?

i would give up everything for a bgagel. i also LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVEE sushi! my fave roll is i think either spicy tuna w the spicy sawce or seared salmon ora spicy tuna hand roll. i fuck sushi

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

this is a hard question for me to answer bc i want to say yes but also i don’t think abuse or murder or bad things or unnecessary death happens for any reason other thna, it just does sometimes and that sucks real bad. so idk. i don’t think everything has a grand purpose. but i blieve in my life, everything that’s happened to me has in fact led me to where i am today and i’m learning and healing and growing. that being said i could do without some of the things that have happend to me!

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

read a storm of swords :00000

54: Is cheating ever okay?

no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the point of cheating is it’s a breach of Trust! and that’s not okay!

55: Are you mean?

i hope not :(

56: How many people have you fist fought?

what is with u brits

57: Do you believe in true love?

depends what u mean by true love...like in fairytales? i think true love is just loving someone so much you’re willing to work on whatever you need to to keep them. not unconditional in the sense of “even if they’re mean i still love them” but unconditional in the sense of “even if u fart in front of me i don’t care, and even if you go through hardship and aren’t yourself for a while i will still love you because im with u for real”

58: Favourite weather?

SUN SUN SUN my favorite is when it’s warm out, but there are clouds to gaze at. it’s kinda humid. there’s a slight breeze. oh gosh i can’t wait for the summer :*( im currently cyring

59: Do you like the snow?

i am so fucking tired of the snow LMFAO it snows 8 months of the year here and i’m here, guess what, 8 months of the year! i fuckin hate it! go shit on someone else, clouds

60: Do you wanna get married?

YES more than anything, so much, i want to, so badly

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH MY GOD I DIE I MELT

62: What makes you happy?

sunshine, late night drives, laughing so hard my stomach hurts w/ my best frineds, playing d&d, writing poetry,  thinking about how small animals’ feets are, petting my cat and making him purr, talking to my little brother about real stuff, kissing my girlfriend and seeing her smile, warm blankets when it’s cold, eating cookie dough, dancing, singing in the car, holding hands, walking in the summer and listening to my favorite podcast, talking about harry potter with my mom, playing overwatch in the summer with andy, going to council crest

the list could go on forever :-)

63: Would you change your name?

already did PAL!!!!!!!!!!!

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

only hard bc she’s not physically here rn. but no, it would be easy, beacuse she’s so kisssable

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

if you define sex by GENITALS YOU BIG BIBNCH then i don’t Have one

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

stop omg......

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

STOP OMG

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

hmmmmmmmmmm..... idk maybe jamie

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

i don’t necessarily believe that there’s 1 perfect person for everyone out there romatnically, but i believe thaere are people destined to be in your life and i believe there are people that you will click with just absolutely instantly and feel an incredibly deep connection with, whether it be romantic or not

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

kinda morbid :/

[pninaharchive]

Just one number? What if you answered them all? It will take a while, but time is just an illusion.

LMAO luv a challenge thank u 💐 read more bc it got long obviously

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

ahh okay well i think about who i am as a person and whether im good or bad and recently in my reflections i realized that i have control issues?? and how to work with that is confusing to me but

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

no lol

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

no unless it was interfering with our relationship somehow?

4: Do you find it easy to trust others?

yes and no?? i dont really trust a lot of people but im very optimistic and idealistic and so i never assume the worst of people. like if someone lied to me i prob wouldnt assume so unless it was glaringly obvious

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night?

sleeping lmao

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

this would never happen in my life oh my god i plan too much to not have a dd and a charged phone w access to a gps 

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

break up w the person and prob not talk to them again

8: Are you close with your dad?

no i dont talk to him

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

i havent kissed anyone since 8th grade 

10: What are you listening to?

currently im watching ink master in the background but in terms of music ive been playing big thief’s masterpiece and diiv’s is the is are

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

water lmao

12: Do you like hickeys?

ive never had one so idk for sure but the idea of it isnt super appealing to me

13: What time do you go to bed?

anywhere between like 11 pm to????? 3 am but usually closer to 11 bc i cant sleep in 

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

every man in my life

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

no not at all im so bad at 1 handed texting

16: Do you always answer your texts?

no LMAO unless its my mom or abby

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

i dont know that ive ever fallen before

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

an hour ago

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

abby and angel and my bunny

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

i dont remember i think i was thinking about tattoos

21: Is anyone else in the room with you?

my brother

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around?

no there are plenty of shitty people who are doing just fine

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

noooooo way 

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

no im kinda fine with the people i choose not to speak to 

25: In the past week, have you cried?

no

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

black

27: Do people ever call you by your last name?

my last name is 9 letters long absolutely not

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now?

no

29: Do you have a best friend?

ya abby lmao love that bitch

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

no. see #9

31: Who was your last call/text message from?

angel

32: Are you mad at anyone?

always

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

see #30

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

see #33. probably 19 or 20 idk

35: How many more days until your birthday?

345

36: Do you have any summer plans yet?

yes!!! im going to maine with my mom and her gf and abby soon and me and abby are gonna tear it up the rest of the summer.

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

i have no male friends currently

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

never

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

i dont think so

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

yes lmao see #34

41: Do you think age matters in relationships?

absolutely especially when either of the people is below 20 or so

42: Are you available?

emotionally, romantically, and sexually yes

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

i feel like i feel strongly for most people i meet im not really a casual person

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

i kind of want to get my other nostril pierced??? other than that i think medusa piercings are really pretty

45: Do you believe exes can be friends?

if both of the people are emotionally mature enough definitely

46: Do you regret anything?

most things

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

um ive been thinking abt my chronic illness lol bc i dont think im actively bleeding internally anymore but wondering how much blood ive lost bc ive been really exhausted and i think it might be anemia

48: Did you ever lose a best friend?

every one except the ones i currently have

49: Was your last kiss a mistake?

yes like see #40

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

i dont like anyone currently i wish i did

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

no

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

no oh my god see #49

53: What was the last thing you ate?

i just had some pasta

54: Did you get any compliments today?

i think someone said they liked my shoes

55: Where are you going on your next vacation?

maine!!!

56: Do you own anything from other countries?

probably but i couldnt tell u for sure my dude

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?

girls

58: Where have you lived most of your life?

rhode island

59: When was the last time you took a long drive?

sunday

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

no has anybody

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

no has anybody

62: Who do you text the most?

abby i guess?? i dont really text that much

63: What was the last movie you saw?

i watched young frankenstein but ive seen that before

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

dont have a gf

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

none lmao i was in like 7th grade

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

idfk see #52

67: Do you curse around your parents?

yeah

68: Are you happy with where you live?

not really i wish i was on my own in like europe or some shit

69: Picture of yourself?

check out my insta boiii

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

i think it depends on the other person?? i could be open to either i think

71: Have you ever been dumped?

no

72: What do you most like about making out?

passion

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

lets play a game called how many ways can i say im a virgin

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other? 

i feel like this set of questions has something against me

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

i like!! tummies and legs

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

my mom probably

77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

gOD

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

aoidsfkfkl

79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

ummmmmmmm honest compliments and affection 

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

probably not right now bc im not ready or interested in kids but maybe someday 

81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

a couple people 

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

not usually but i havent had a crush in a long time

83: Do you miss your last sweetie?

what the fuck

84: Last time you slow danced with someone?

prom last year

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

olive is my boo

86: How can I win your heart?

ugghgh idk openness and honesty, passion, similar interests, buying me flowers

87: What is your astrological sign?

gemini!!

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

sleeping

89: Do you cook?

yes i love cooking!!

90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

no 

91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

yes im such a fucking romantic

92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

i think im a monogamous person but im?? also really flexible depending on the other person

93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

idk im not picky ugh just 

cute

94: Name four things that you wish you had!

a new laptop and purse, money, cute gf 

95: Are you a player?

no im a pussy and also i love women

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

no god 

97: Are you a tease?

no

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

yes

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

no

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

yes omg definitely

101: Hugs or Kisses?

kisses!!!!

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?

absolutely

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

gross

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

only if im interested in them tbh

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

no this hypothetical person sounds like a dick

106: Do you flirt a lot?

no

107: Your last kiss?

see #66

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

no its like every question is about kissing

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

asdfghj

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

barbie ferreira :(((((((((( 

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

no that would be too convenient

112: Does someone like you currently?

not that i know of

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

nope

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

serious relationships

115: Ever made out with just a friend?

no

116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?

who could say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[umjulikins]

1-100!!!!

1. What’s your middle name, and do you like it?

patricia, and i really hate it actually lol

2. are you artistic?

i like to consider myself to be, though i don’t think so...

3. Have you had your first kiss?

lol yeah, but i feel like a dick not remembering when it was. i thought it was a different time, but i’ve been told otherwise whoops

4. What is your life goal?

being happy and financially stable probably

5. Do you have any experiences with a famous person?

actually, i performed at a bernie sanders rally. i have a picture with him, and i’ve also met shailene woodley through the rally. it was hecking neat.

6. Do you play any sports?

if i hear that marching band is a sport one more time, i’m gonna mcfreaking lose it. so, no. i do not.

7. What’s your worst fear?

abandonment or distrust

8. Who’s your biggest inspiration?

oh man, that’s hard to say. i really like jaiden from a youtube channel called jaidenanimations, because she’s so humble and artistically talented.

probably my mom too, she’s number seven on the greatest wonders of the world

9. Do you have any cool talents?

whistling? i can play ukelele? i’m good at crying idk

10. are you a morning person?

it’s so debatable honestly. i hate getting up in the morning, but i love being awake in the morning. so yes and no.

11. How do you feel about pet names?

fuckin love it, give me pet names

12. Do you like to read?

no not at all, it takes me a really good book to get me engaged on reading

13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life.

parks & rec, supernatural (not bc i loved it but because i befriended people bc of it, i actually am over spn lmao), south park??

14. Do you care about your follower count?

no, because i’m sick and tired of porn bots following me, and they are the huge majority that try to follow me until i block them

15. What’s the best dream you’ve had?

hahahahah, i had a dream that me and my bf were taking care of this proportionably large frog that could speak fluent english and was wearing a diaper. to this day, when we call each other bf and gf, it really means “big frog” and “giant frog” bc of my dream.

16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender?

nope, but i’ve dreamt of it.

17. Do you have any pets?

no!!! but we might get a dog pretty soon... 3/4 of the family is all in for a dog.

18. Are you religious?

lmao this sounds pretentious, but i’d say my entire family (along with me) identifies being roman catholic, but i personally consider myself for agnostic. i wouldn’t want to ultimately reject my familial identity because i was raised catholic my entire life, it would be disassociating a part of me. but if it all comes down to my beliefs, i would happily defend people who are a little ignorant against catholicism.

19. Are you a people person?

i used to???? i’m really not anymore, especially with senior year i’m really tired of people’s shit lmao

20. Are you considered popular?

oh definitely not. i don’t mean this in a very modest way either, i mean it in a way that i often disassociate.

21. What is one of your bad habits?

being oversensitive???prolly idfk

22. What’s something that makes you feel vulnerable

cry

23. What would you name your children?

i know i’m homestuck trash but i would legitimately name my child jade. not because of homestuck, but i identify so much relation to the name jade. it’s my favourite colour, my favourite type of plant, and it’s a simple four letter name with a letter j.

in terms of boy names, i really like the names jude or charlie. how fucking weird would it be having two kids name jude and jade though holy shittttt

24. Who’s your celebrity crush?

winona fuckin ryder aka pls adopt me

25. What’s your best subject?

science for sure!

26. Dogs or cats?

unpopular opinion: cats and dogs are both a gift to this world and there’s no reason to point them against each other

27. most used social media besides tumblr?

snapchat, instagram, and then facebook.

28. best friends name

shit.

um i have more than one?? dean, ana, emily, makena, and zany?

29. who does your main family consist of

my mom and dad, and my younger brother.

30. Chocolate or sugar

chocolate

31. have you ever been on a date?

yeah, my first one was ridiculously awkward though

32. Do you like rollercosters?

yeah sure, it’s aight. i have a friend who has a mental list of a bunch of rollercoaster facts, so i refer to him in case i’m really hesitant to go on one.

33. Can you swim?

kinda? i know how to actually swim across water, but i have trouble treading it

34. What would you do in the event of an apocolypse?

ok here’s where my hiding place would be. and i encourage people to do the same actually.

hide the fuck out in costco. the walls are thick as hell so it’d be a struggle for zombies to break into. costco is spacey as fuck, so you can camp out anywhere and it’d be okay. you pretty much have a life supply of food, as well as other supplies because it’s a mega mart.

you’re good pretty much for the rest of your life if you think about it, i know i would!

35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder

i don’t believe so. i’ve never been diagnosed of anything but i also never know.

36. Are your parents together?

yeah

37. What’s your favourite colour?

green, but i can’t decide on any shade of green. i love all the greens.

38. What country are you from/do you live in?

usa! usa! usa!

39. Favourite singer?

currently the 1975 from the top of my head

40. Do you see yourself being famous some day?

absolutely not, i don’t wish to be

41. Do you like dresses?

yes!!!!!! i love dressing very feminine!!!!! dresses with pockets are the best

42. Favourite song right now?

“lifeboat” from heathers the musical

43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

kind of, i’m actually a bit repulsed by sex... but mayhaps in the future when i find the right person?? idk

44. How old were you when you first got your period?

12 y/o i think

45. Have you ever shot a gun?

oh no, not really. kinda intimidating

46. Have you ever done yoga?

not as an active hobby

47. Are you a horror girl?

oh HELL yeah, i’m a horror to this socie––

just kidding, yes i do like horror movies. still scared of it though, but i like it!!

48. Are you good at giving advice?

the irony here is that i’ve been told i do tell good advice, but i NEVER follow my own advice

49. Tell us a story about your childhood.

one time, my dad accidentally left the back door locked from the backyard when i was in a kiddie pool. it all of a sudden started raining, and i couldn’t open the door to get inside because it was locked. i was sick the next day.

50. How are you doing today?

honestly, i could be doing better but right now i’m just chilling

51. Were you a cute kid?

i think so!!! i take pride in my days during elementary school....middle school is a different story though.

52. Can you dance?

yes!! it bothers me when people say they can’t dance, when i think anyone can! it’s all a matter of taking pride in your dance moves!! can you take pride in your dance moves?

but, in terms on doing it as a hobby, no! i used to.

53. Is there anything you do that you can’t remember ever not doing?

i don’t understand this question lmao

54. Have you ever dyed your hair?

no, but i actually would love to die the underside of my hair a deep teal/turquoise!!

55. What colour are your eyes?

dark brown, but golden under light. it’s pretty neat.

56. What’s your favourite animal?

i don’t consider this my favourite animal but i still love them a lot

look up the argentine red tegu lizard

also, i really like ladybugs!!

57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself?

always everyday

58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

with my mom, yes! i tell her everything, and she’s so sweet and patient!

with my dad, kinda!

59. Do you have good friends?

sure :^)

they just are too far away

60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group?

a lot of people yes! two of my best friends are bisexual, and majority of my friends are allies!

61. What’s your favourite class?

i actually don’t have one, every class that i’ve ever known has some form of annoying the hell out of me

62. List all the tv shows you are watching.

none currently as we speak, but i’m waiting for the next season of american horror story and stranger things to appear. i am watching a series of unfortunate events with dean, but we’re only on episode 4 together. it’s been a long time since we’ve watched an episode though, because we always want to watch it together.

63. Are you organized?

somewhat? i am more organized than others, but i’m very great at hiding my disorganization from others to give off the illusion that i am organized.

i like to think that my obsessive compulsive personality is the cause of that honestly.

64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion?

la la land, a fav of mine

67. Which tv character do you relate to most?

shit man, there’s a lot of fictional characters i relate with.

veronica sawyer from heathers

jade harley from homestuck

dirk strider from homestuck

heather mcnamara from heathers

lucy van pelt from charlie brown

terra from teen titans

over half of these aren’t from tv though lmao

68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness?

i try to confront it. if i failed even after confronting it, i accept that it’s simply just not meant to be. which sucks if you think about it, but i am way too passive for my well being.

69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

traveling, and maybe saving that money for my future children and their college intuition.

70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?

probably being friends with certain people... there’s a lot of relationships i really regret.

71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?

being more bitter and negative publicly. people sometimes feel the need to take advantage of others who are considerably weaker than them, and i feel that i often put myself in that position. if i relentlessly take no shit and kinda??? scare people away, i don’t feel the paranoia of getting hurt by others

yikes this is getting negative zero to a hundred real quick

also, i know i’m not really phrasing it right, but hopefully you know what i mean!!

72. If you could start over, what would you do differently?

but at the same time, i’m also really content where i am now. i know i can improve more internally, but i also don’t really care for change.

73. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

definitely

74. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new?

during christmas break, i went to big bear!!

i also went to las vegas that same break, but it’s not a new place hahaha

75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

dean

76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?

shit, idk i’m still drowning in teen angst at the moment, i’m not doing anything revolutionary or some shit atm

77. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

a cartoonist. i still kinda wanna be one, especially knowing my art is improving so much, and i’m getting more exposure as an artist, and i’m landing myself on better platforms of art.

but it’s a tough and risky job opportunity. i’d love to do it as a hobby.

78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

um, probably my relationship with people now. i don’t have a lot of artsy friends except maybe four; but even so, putting my effort all in an animation project requires a lot of independent work.

probably financial stability too.

79.When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?

when i realized that i was slowly losing my closest friend.

i still miss them lmao

80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence

financially stable, happily in love with someone who accepts me, in a small home with plants and dogs.

81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?

i’d probably be on top of my homework, and applying for a full ib diploma

but i wouldn’t really be artistically and musically talented, nor would i have a lot of friends

82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity?

i would consistently changing personas every decade and seek out a whole new lifestyle

83. How would you spend a billion dollars?

irresponsibly, realistically

84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future?

future. the past sucks ass no matter what. but years after trump became president and then some, assuming the next president has a lot of cleaning up to do.

85. What motivates you to succeed?

knowing that someone out there genuinely believes in me.

even one person makes a difference.

86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most?

probably being in love in such a young age. albeit it’s lame to assume of such idealistic things like that, but it’s always something worth fighting for. the future sounds brighter if remembering that someone loves you unconditionally.

also i have met more dogs everyday.

87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why?

woods? i really wanna do a lot on my garden if i can!!

88. Do you believe in life after death

i consider it hopeful/wishful thinking, so i wouldn’t be opposed to it being true.

though i think of eternal bliss as a bigger possibility since i was brought up to believe it.

89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they?

my sophomore and junior year english teacher, mrs. beatty. she never forgot about me despite how quiet of a kid i was, and she always believed in my fullest potential.

dr. vanstrom, my human anatomy & physiology teacher is really great too, i consider her a really great teacher, but i have no person relationship with her. 

90. What’s your fondest childhood memory?

my old family friend, christopher, and i were vacationing with our families at lake arrowhead during winter break when i was like, eight i think. there’s this very quaint townsquare near the area we were staying at, and the two of us walked around the townsquare.

we really freaked our parents out though, because they thought that we were lost or kidnapped because we left without supervision or telling them where we were going, but i remember going to a candy store to get gummy bears in the freezing cold.

i wonder how christopher’s doing though.

91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why?

malala yousafzai, just because she’s such an inspiration.

92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy?

it doesn’t take me a lot to cry over anything, trust me.

i cried once because someone’s chocolate meringue pie was delicious.

i cried once because a really fluffy puppy was rolling over.

93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life?

it’s okay to miss people from a distance, but it’s not okay to ask them to come back. i think it’s important that the toxic relationships you decide to refrain from is a very valid and hard decision to make, so i’m proud of you if you get out of it. you deserve so much better to put yourself back into such a vicious cycle.

94. What do you think happens after we die?

everything is black for eternity

95. What would you do if you would be invisible?

?????honestly?????what CAN you do while you’re invisible other than spying people???

invisibility is such a shitty power, i want the power to read minds selectively so i can ace every academic test in the future and be accepted from every job application FUCK

96. What’s something you can’t do no matter how hard you try?

i can’t really seem to shake the idea of negative thoughts and insecurities. of course it’s inevitable for literally everyone at some point, but it still sucks having

97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring?

no, i really want to give my child the freedom to choose who they want to be or who they want to present themselves as. i as the parent should love them unconditionally

98. How did your first crush develop?

eh, his friend told me that he liked me and i believed it

i shouldn’t have though, because there was really no evidence that he liked me, and he even denied it when his friends straight up told me

thinking about it now, i think he never really did like me, and his friend was just being a dick. and i latched onto that idea which was even worse holy shit

99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it?

yeah dude, i’m sure everyone is though

100. Do you live or do you just exist?

existing for sure.

thanks dude!!!